Tomorrow is the BIG day!

This may be one of my last posts for a couple of days; unless of course I end up all dysregulated and come back to vent. Boyfriend comes home tomorrow. TOMORROW. I couldn’t be more excited. When I think about it, I get so excited inside that I get lightheaded and feel like I could pass out. I feel like it’s been months since I’ve seen him. It hurts. But finally the day is almost here.

I’m happy that I’m so excited because for awhile I was pretty detached. I’m a little worried that BPD will sneak up on me. Maybe when I see him it will be hard, or maybe the closer it gets to reuniting with him, will dysregulate me because with the heightened excitement comes increased vulnerability, which leads to increased sensitivity and fear, etc. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen.

I just miss him. So much. I was a little concerned that maybe he wasn’t happy to be coming home. Maybe he really enjoyed it where he was and just wasn’t happy about leaving. Maybe being there made him realize that I’m just boring and a burden and it sucks to come back to the routine of me. Ugh. Anyway. I’m really excited. I hope it goes well. I hope I hold it together. I want him to be happy to see me, not wishing he never came back because I turn into a borderline mess. I hope he is happy too, and that he still loves me like he did before he left.



7 thoughts on “Tomorrow is the BIG day!

    1. Pops,

      When I think Hawaii I think sun light, pretty things, nice breeze, paradise. When I think Mandi, I think monster. I think burden.

      1. You’ve never really given me any reason that it’s the same thing he thinks of when he thinks of you.
        Really, realistically, rationally…
        has he ever given you a reason that’s what he thinks?

        I wouldn’t be surprised if Liz has thought that way over the past thirty-eight years.

      2. Everything in my head seems to make perfect rational sense but maybe it doesn’t or isn’t realiatic.

        Sent via the Samsung GALAXY S®4, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphone

  1. Your thoughts can fuck with you a lot more easily than your heart can. Your heart doesn’t have to deal with words, and words can be weapons in the wrong hands or the wrong state of mind.
    Wait, as patiently and peacefully as you can bring yourself to, and see what happens when he gets off the plane.

    For billions of years, the earth has been round.
    People had decided it was flat, and some of them might have even theorized it was round.
    Until ol’ whatsisname actually sailed around the world without dropping over the edge, nobody knew for sure either way.
    Don’t let yourself decide what’s going to happen.
    Oh Christ wept…
    I know that sounds an awful lot like “Snap out of it”, but what I mean is think about all the times you have expected the worst but somehow he disappointed you in that respect and all was as good as it had been. Grew to be stronger and better.

    Question for you, and if it’s a trigger, ignore it:
    how long have you known this guy and how soon did you expect it to take before you crossed the line from uncertainty into nirvana?
    And with two guys in the past, how quick was it that you just jumped into things?
    Maybe I crossed a line there, but even time takes time.

    After thirty-eight years, I don’t know how many times I’ve told Liz that if she was THAT much of a handful (pushing, splitting, six suicide attempts and hospitalizations), months at a time that she couldn’t stand being touched in ANY respect…
    … if that was so overwhelming, I would have bailed years before.

    I saw the beauty and compassion and strength and frailty on the inside, cherished those moments and knew there were more to come.

    Many of us have come to see that within you.
    And he knows you better than we do.


  2. Mandi~
    You seem to be overthinking it. Harris is right, in the short time I’ve been blogging and following your blog, you are compassionate and caring. You tell it like it is when comes dealing with Borderline and other issues and it gives those have never struggled with Borderline on what it is like. Please try to not overthink it.

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