This may be one of my last posts for a couple of days; unless of course I end up all dysregulated and come back to vent. Boyfriend comes home tomorrow. TOMORROW. I couldn’t be more excited. When I think about it, I get so excited inside that I get lightheaded and feel like I could pass out. I feel like it’s been months since I’ve seen him. It hurts. But finally the day is almost here.
I’m happy that I’m so excited because for awhile I was pretty detached. I’m a little worried that BPD will sneak up on me. Maybe when I see him it will be hard, or maybe the closer it gets to reuniting with him, will dysregulate me because with the heightened excitement comes increased vulnerability, which leads to increased sensitivity and fear, etc. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen.
I just miss him. So much. I was a little concerned that maybe he wasn’t happy to be coming home. Maybe he really enjoyed it where he was and just wasn’t happy about leaving. Maybe being there made him realize that I’m just boring and a burden and it sucks to come back to the routine of me. Ugh. Anyway. I’m really excited. I hope it goes well. I hope I hold it together. I want him to be happy to see me, not wishing he never came back because I turn into a borderline mess. I hope he is happy too, and that he still loves me like he did before he left.