Well that was fast. I’m back. I’m worried. I am mad at me.

His plane is taking off now and Idk I’m all over the place because he is coming back and maybe I guess because I’m worried I will end up not ok and now I’m getting not ok! Wtf. I just said “Just in case, I love you” and then he asked, “Just in case what?” And then my fears puked out in text and I just told him to study that little book in the back of the seat in front of him and that I didn’t know why but I was really worried for some reason. Then he said he had to go they were taking off.

Problem? Just 7 minutes before he said they said they’d be taking off in 30 minutes. Not 7! 30! What if he just wanted to go away from me? I call bullshit. Am I being ridiculous? It hurt. What if he really wanted to just go away and for me to shut up? UGH. What if he’s second guessing coming to see me now when he gets home? What if I ruined it!?!? Things may have been fine and I had to go ramble on and express that I was worried and get all vulnerable and I feel like I just got shot down and now I’m a mess. Now he’s probably wishing he’d stay in Hawaii and thanking God all he has to do is turn his phone off, which is basically just turning me off. If only I came with buttons. I’m sure everyone wished that.

Maybe I’m worrying too much. Maybe my worry about BPD coming is backfiring and making me not ok. Is that possible? Or am I legitimately getting dysregulated for all of the reasons I thought I would be? Why is this happening? WHY?!

Great. It’s going to be a rough night. Now I have all sorts of things in my head 😦 Skills. I will try them. I sorta feel like “fuck skills!”, but I know that’s not right. I ruin everything. EVERYTHING. He says nothing bad ever happens to him, but he’s wrong. He met me.


7 thoughts on “ALREADY!? ffs

  1. Your last paragraph shows a lot of black-and-white thinking. I’m sure that everything will be fine. Try to see the gray areas. Your BPD is telling you not to bother using your skills but “feelings are not facts.” You don’t have to listen to them. You can acknowledge them, then let them go. Imagine those thoughts as clouds floating by. Anything that works. Do you use any mindfulness skills? Try using them now. I hope this helps a little.

    1. I do mindfulness. I will try. It’s super hard right now given the way my mind is racing, but I know that’s the point of trying the skill. Thank you.

    2. Joyce –
      I agree with you that feelings are not facts. There are too many times they are far from being facts.
      But I also believe that thoughts can be a lot more deceptive and deceiving than true feelings.
      But they duke it out with each other, each fighting for supremacy and control.
      Do thoughts influence feelings or do feelings influence thoughts?
      Chicken / egg.

      Mandi –
      Try to get them to work together. Think about the good feelings the two of you have had with, about and for each other.
      Once you feel their strength, it can give you a different way to thing about things.
      And the mindfulness will definitely take the edge of off things.
      Just don’t focus on moving.

  2. Mandi
    You said that your boyfriend meeting you was a bad thing. I have to disagree with you on that. I don’t think him meeting you was a bad thing cause I think its a good thing. You are deserving of his love.

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