Broken toy

I’m dwelling on my episode Saturday night. Or maybe more so reflecting on it. I made some poor choices and acted out a bit impulsively and unnecessarily defensively and ended up hurting people. I’ve noticed that when my boyfriend communicates to me that I’ve hurt him, it’s like it flips a switch in me. Like instantaneously I’m brought back to reality and my emotions start functioning more properly again and I feel like it grounds me. I wonder if maybe I should see if he could start telling me sooner when that happens. I think what usually happens is he tells me once I’ve started talking to him again but by then the damage has been done.

Anyway. I’m not too happy with myself but I’m trying not to be too hard on myself either. There’s so much of BPD that I can’t control…no matter how hard I try.

I think overall right now I am just feeling a bit defeated and sad. I feel like a broken toy. When you love someone, you want them to have the best…you wouldn’t give them a broken toy. Yet here I am wanting my boyfriend to have me and love me and keep me…but I’m broken. That leaves me conflicted.

I’m a little teary. I’m really scared for my next episode. 😦 that last one was so horrible I just don’t know what I will do next time. I really need to put some plans in place. Something I can write down and stick to regardless of what my impulsive BPD wants me to do so I can limit the damage I do.

I’m ashamed and scared.

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