BPD: When even crying has no middle-ground

I want to cry, but I don’t.

Sometimes I’m afraid of releasing any emotion for fear that it will take over and I won’t be able to control it, or myself. Sometimes all I want is to let a few tears fall, but I know better. I know how easily a few tears can turn into a whole box of used tissues, a lost hour of time, and fresh cut marks or bruises that need hidden for the next few days.

Sometimes all I want is to express a little excitement or happiness, but I know how easily that can turn into heightened sensitivity that something will trigger me, and from way up there, it’s a long way down and often results in a much harder crash.

Sometimes all I want is to express love and open up to someone, but I know how easily that vulnerability can lead me right into pain.

God, why did you make me come with all of these functions and not the right equipment to handle them? Why would you make humans to love and be loved, but not make me well enough to be able to contribute to that? You might as well just made me allergic to oxygen.

I just want to be able to cry a little without having to be afraid.

I’m tired of being afraid.

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2 thoughts on “BPD: When even crying has no middle-ground

  1. Precious Mandi –
    “Sometimes I’m afraid of releasing any emotion for fear that it will take over and I won’t be able to control it, or myself.”
    That was a hobby of mine for years. Had Liz and the kids to protects. Especially the kids. I kind of came third.
    I had a good, bone-rattling, hyperventilating sob session the other night while Liz was in the Crisis Center, and damn!!! it felt good. Finally get it all out front and up top where I could address it, consider it, console it or shout it down when need be.
    It was liberating.
    But I know that fear. Especially from the anxiety that evolves from outrage (keeping in mind that “If you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention.”) about the Mental Health System or Social Security or Kaiser or my sister-in-law’s attitude about Liz into outright rage.
    A bunch of the last week’s rage was aimed at my biggest demon, my most destructive beast. Me. Me over the years.
    Got it out of my system, watched one of my go-to DVDs (“Grand Canyon”, with Kevin Kline, Danny Glover and Steve Martin is THE one for me, and it’s on Netflix if you get it).
    Those overpowering feelings will come out sooner or later. You can face it the best you can every now and then, or you can bury it more deeply.
    It’s just so hard to step from reacting over the line into overreacting, and it’s a skill you learn, a defense you perfect, a means of growth you develop over time.
    And I don’t have to tell you that once it stops seeming impossible, it’s not necessarily be any easier.
    I wish there were thoughts we could all share with you that didn’t start with the torturous phrase “In time….”
    “Sometimes all I want is to express a little excitement or happiness…” So do it. That’s where the mindfulness comes in. Whether it’s the embrace of your guy or something goofy Robin Williams did in some movie or your kids’ sloppy effort at making you breakfast in bed… enjoy it.
    You deserve to be able to do that without interruption.

    God meant for you to have the tools to do these things.
    He just didn’t mean for a list of people to make it even harder for you each step of the way.

    Pops

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