Consuming Nothingness

I had a mostly great day today. Good times with my boyfriend. It felt good. Then something happened this evening and I started going a bit downhill. I’m feeling very empty inside, and it’s making me feel very sad. I feel lonely and unworthy of being loved and cared for. I’m not sure where it’s coming from. I’ve tried to retrace my mental steps but I can’t pinpoint….oh wait…maybe I can. Hmm…is that what it was? I’m not sure. I don’t feel like typing out. It will bring it too close to the surface. I don’t always like to state triggers out loud or in text. It’s like it brings them more to life and I don’t want to do that.

Anyway, so I was laying in bed and the emptiness and sadness was growing so quickly it’s almost hard to breathe. It’s like I can feel this lump in my throat, except it feels like there’s a hole in the  middle of me and it’s growing. Like nothingness is slowly consuming and taking over me. I reached out to T yesterday and I’ve been rereading her response to my email, periodically.

I tried some new things yesterday and I think they worked. I’m working on being more communicative and proactive when I feel BPD coming on or in situations I know will be a trigger. It worked out pretty well. My biggest struggle, and I guess it’s something I just have to learn how to accept and deal with, is that even when I take the right steps, even if they work for certain things like keeping me from being destructive, I’m still left with all of the emotions. It doesn’t take them away. That’s very difficult to deal with because all I want is relief right at that very moment. Like right now.

As childish as this may sound, I feel like it’s just not fair. Not fair that I’m like this and other people are just ok. I wonder what it would be like to not have BPD. It must be such a free feeling. Life may be enjoyable.

I’m not happy with me right now. I don’t really like me but T told me that the triggers are bringing/will bring up past thoughts or beliefs like “I’m not worthy; I’m not loved; I’m not good enough; etc”. I guess that’s what is happening. I’m going to look into EMDR therapy now. I need to take action on that. She keeps telling me it will help and that she sees a lot of things in me that could use that. I guess I’m just a little scared because I’m not familiar with it. Plus it means meeting yet another new therapist/person. Sometimes I just want to hide. I don’t feel safe again.


One thought on “Consuming Nothingness

  1. Trying to retrace our mental steps.
    Kind of like Indiana Jones going after the Holy Grail:
    where is it? what’s all this bullshit surrounding it”? which is the actual Grail? and what keeps shooting those poison darts at me?

    Every little step you take in the process tells you something, maybe teaches you more. If nothing else, it gives you more to work with resolving the emotions that just won’t / can’t / don’t leave you alone. Helps you figure out which are justified and what you can do about them, and which ones you can send down the drain with your bathwater.

    “I’m not happy with me right now. I don’t really like me ….”
    They’re five and ten, huh?
    How many times have you had to tell them “I love you but I didn’t like what you did”?
    That’s one more thing you deserve for yourself.

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