The pain you can’t see

How do you describe to someone, how much pain you are in? How can you communicate a measure of something that no one can see? That may be part of the reason why I’ve self-harmed. How can someone else understand, that every second of every day I am in pure agony inside? It never goes away. When I’m “happy”, there’s still this underlying hurt, it’s just a little more like background noise at that moment.

Actually, if you know music, think of a riff. That repeated tune that plays over and over throughout the entire song. When you aren’t thinking about it, you don’t necessarily notice it. It’s still there, and you pick up on it, but you’re not directly aware of it. When your attention is brought to it, however, it stands out. Like it’s the only thing you can hear anymore in the song. Once you’ve been made aware of it, it’s hard to push it back down into your subconscious where you can still hear and enjoy all of the other instruments and tunes that are playing along with it.

I say this over and over, but I’m just so tired of being in pain. I’m so so tired of hurting so much all of the time. I need relief. I need a break. I want it to go away and not ever come back. I want to enjoy things, fully. I want to be able to go on a date with my boyfriend and not have to battle myself the entire time, or be so anxious and nervous that I may be triggered by something. I want to leave my house and not look at all of the other people I come across and think how much better than me they are. I want to be good enough.

I just want to stop hurting. I want to stop going from 0 to 1000 in a split second. From 0 to suicidal in a split second. The all or nothing. The black and white. I know. I get it. I guess in my world 0 and 1000 or 0 and suicidal are the only options.

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A world with no color

I need to figure out how to get rid of this. I’m assuming the only way is by creating/finding my own identity as that is one of my symptoms…that just seems like something that will happen over a long period of time, and I want it to change now.

I just spent a great night and day with my boyfriend. GREAT, even though I was in and out of my symptoms and at times was just pretty shitty with him. He just left and when he leaves, it’s like he takes the whole world with him. When he’s here, I feel like I actually am part of a world. It’s colorful, there are things, it’s like walking through a colorful field of flowers and all kinds of things of wonder. Colorful. Full of life with sound and things to interact with. When he leaves…he takes all of that with him. It’s like blinking and upon opening my eyes, I’m in a room of white, or black. Everything is all the same that I can’t even tell if there are walls or ceilings, and if there are, I can’t tell where they begin or end. There’s no sound. No color. It’s the lack of absolutely everything. The epitome of nothingness. The true meaning of emptiness.

I think it’s why I (borderlines) get attached to people. They bring identity with them. With identity comes life. We don’t have and can’t get those things without these other people, and so we crave pulling them in. But it hurts so badly when they go away and so we want to shut them out at the same time. It’s like offering someone that’s been stuck in the desert, only a drop of water every couple of miles. It fucks with you. You almost feel like, “Fuck the water. Don’t give me anymore.”, but you keep taking that drop anyway because you need it and even though it’s just not enough, it’s what’s keeping you alive. You put all of your life’s hope into that one tiny drop of water every few miles.

I want a world that stays with me when others leave. A world that always has color and sounds and things. A world that’s mine and that doesn’t rely on anyone or everyone else to give it life or existence.  Those things feel so far out of reach for me, or like just pure impossibilities for me to have. Just another wish.

Klonopin

I want my klonopin back. It was the first and only medicine I’ve ever had (excluding Ambien for sleep), that I ever felt really helped and wasn’t habit forming. I loved most of all that I could take it when I needed it and wasn’t required to take it daily. I suck at daily medications and I never want another one of those. I only need something that I can take when I need it. When the moment hits. Something to take the edge off so I can use my skills to get through it.

Klonopin did that. It was great. I hardly really took it. Only when I had really bad anxiety over something or when I felt an episode coming on. It didn’t cure it or make it go away, but it did slow me down so I could work through things better. When an episode is coming, everything inside me is racing, so that step on the brake was helpful.

I wish I had that. I think if/when I find a therapist again, I’m going to ask. I always worry about asking for medication. I’m worried they will think I’m just some med-head trying to fake needing therapy to get prescriptions. So I tend to never bring it up so they don’t think that, but the truth is, I need some. I’d like to have my ambien back. I don’t even want to take it daily. I only want it for when I am having trouble sleeping for a few nights and am getting backed up on sleep. I can take it one night just to sort of get me through with some solid sleep. Like now.

Ambien and Klonopin. If I had to pick, I just want my Klonopin back 😦

Sigh.

When I don’t know what to write…

I blab. I have no idea what this post will end up being about, so it will just as much a surprise to you as it is to me. I just feel the need to write something so here goes.

So I worked some OT today. They’re finally offering it so I thought I’d get what I could get before I change positions. God knows I need the money. Speaking of money…that will be my paragraph two. So my soon-to-be-boss visited my desk today and told me they’re ordering me a new laptop so I can work from wherever if I ever want or need to. How awesome is that? He also told me that they’re taking me on Tuesday instead of Thursday. I like how he is just telling my current boss how it’s going to be. I don’t care for my current group of supervisors, so this is entertaining 🙂

Money. Why do money-eating-monster things always attack me from all angles all at once? I know I will get through this rough patch. I will figure something out. I just get tired of constantly going through this same battle. Oh well. I’m taking some productive steps so fingers crossed.

It’s pretty hot outside but I can sort of feel Fall coming. Two seasonal triggers for me are when Summer turns to Fall, and when Winter turns to Spring. Spring and Summer sort of blend together, and Fall and Winter do too. But when the cold seasons turn to the warm seasons, and when the warm seasons turn to the cold seasons, it really triggers me. I don’t care to explain why, and in some ways I’m not sure, but I don’t like it and I suppress a lot of it. It happens every single year. The same thoughts. The same worries, etc.

I’m afraid to try for a therapist. God, can I really even afford the co-pays when they start?

A lot of songs came on my Pandora today about saying goodbye and breaking up. It was sad to me. I kept having to fight taking on the worry that it was a sign that my boyfriend was going to leave me. Does anyone else do that? I view things as “signs” all the time. If I am sad and worried about something and a song comes on about that topic, I view it as confirmation that it’s going to happen, or sometimes the song starts the whole thought process. I had to change the songs but was tempted to text my boyfriend and make sure he wasn’t going away.

BOYFRIEND. What a man he is. Today he texts me while I’m at work and asks me if I could step outside for just a couple of minutes in about an hour. My stomach sank. I said yea and asked if it was bad. He said it was good but my body felt it was bad. For the whole hour I could hardly work. I kept having to close my eyes and take deep breaths to keep from throwing up, my anxiety was so bad. He finally gets there and I go outside and out he pulls out these pretty white daisies and a new vase, just because he thought I’d like them. See them?! I was so happy! I couldn’t stop glowing. He’s good at making all the girls at work jealous 🙂 They smell so good too!

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I should go to bed. I haven’t been sleeping much. I got glasses. Another sickening expense but I needed them. I work on computers all day. Between work and school, I’ve been on the computer probably a good 12 hours a day. Anyway, the exam was way worth it and the glasses are a big help. I can wear them all the time but I mostly need them for work and reading, driving at night, and the occasional TV watching.

Anyway, I expected more out of this post. I’m not sure what, just something more. I guess I should try to get to bed. My boyfriend is going to let me drive his truck this weekend for our super fun date to the demolition derbies that I asked him to go to with me. I’m so excited, I could roll around on the floor in a total giggle-fit. My favorite man is going with me to my favorite place and I’m going to drive my favorite kind of vehicle. I’m ecstatic! 😀 😀 😀 😀

Goodnight, WordPress-ians

 

 

Recap: The job; My day; Last night

I got the job. The one I interviewed for last week that I was really hoping I’d get. I got it. I am really excited but I am also trying really hard to shut the bad me up that wants to tell me that I might not make it, maybe I won’t do a good job, maybe I will suck, maybe I’m not fit for this position and simply put on a good show in my interview. Yes, I’m trying to shut her up. I’m excited and it really is the most awesome opportunity and will be great for my future. Not to mention that the job itself is just freaking fun.

I feel good right now in some ways. I’m on point with what I wanted this evening to be. I made dinner and used up some leftovers which I love doing. I cleaned a lot. I got the kitchen all cleaned up and some stuff put away that I’ve been meaning to get to. I went through all my papers I had out and got them filed away. The kids were inside on time and both got showers. We prepared lunches for tomorrow so all we have to do is collect it all into the lunch bags and out the door we all go. They picked out their clothes for tomorrow as well so we don’t have the usual battle of what to wear. They should be getting into bed on time in just a few minutes, and then I plan on drinking some more wine and watching a tv show or a movie just because I feel accomplished.

I had an interesting night last night. Clearly, as my entries prove, I was not ok last night. I was really struggling but trying to still act and behave normally, though it didn’t work. My boyfriend was supposed to come over and I told him that I wasn’t sure who I was that day and he may not like the me I was if he came over, but I still wanted him to come over. I didn’t want to really talk or be emotional. It started off as such…until he opened the emotional door. I lost it. Not in a borderline rage kind of way. I just cried. A lot. Off and on and randomly. Panicked; mild panic attacks. It was rough. However, the end result was great.

I got out a lot of emotion, which I think I needed, and it was safe because he was there. That was good because there was no fear of what I may do to myself because we just hugged until it passed and he talked to me throughout. In some ways I am ashamed and embarrassed when he sees me that way, but I think that is decreasing. He doesn’t seem to really mind that I’m…a mess. I think I like that. I’ve had exes that would verbally degrade me for who or what I was. From the music I listened to, to my legit craziness. My boyfriend though…it’s almost as if he is unaffected by it all and maybe he accepts me just like this? Is that possible?? I worry. I wonder. I’m not sure but he is still here. I don’t know why or how he does it, but I’m glad he is here.

Well, time to get the kiddos into bed, get my wine, and see what this “relaxing” thing is all about.

The battle of the me’s

I wish I were in a therapy session now. I hope I get an appointment soon. Someone needs to experience my crazy. That’s the problem. Every therapist I’ve had has been fortunate and has never been caught in my symptoms. They’ve never been able to reach the damaged part of me. They’ve maybe seen me cry, some of them, but they’ve never met this me. Not even close. I need someone who triggers me. Someone who gets to experience my black-and-white-I-hate-you-don’t-leave-me, self. The one who’s caught between being an independent bad ass and a terrified needy little girl.

I hate both of them, they battle and despise each other and protect each other at the same time. Without the little girl, the bad girl would make an even larger mess of her life and would never allow anyone to get in. Without the bad girl, however, the little girl would be even more damaged than she already is because she’d be so helpless.

The bad girl wants nothing and no one. Pain isn’t foreign but it’s as welcome as love is for normals. She thrives on it. It’s what keeps her alive. She feeds on it because as long as its there is as long as she will prove that she can handle it and doesn’t need anyone. People hurt you. People leave. People are unreliable, and love is just something made up in order to give people a false sense of hope. Hope, something that also doesn’t exist. She’s feels nothing, needs nothing, wants nothing.

The little girl on the other hand, is the exact opposite of the bad ass. The little girl is like a lost child and her only goal is finding a father. She was born Daddy’s little girl but never had the Daddy she needed. She’s stuck. Stuck in her age. Stuck in her phase. She’s a typical child. No matter how many times she gets hurt, she continues being vulnerable, loving unconditionally, trusting everyone, and hoping one day the right person will finally love her unconditionally in return. She craves love, nurture, and safety and security above all else. She’s confused because she’s so innocent that the awful things in the world just make no sense to her.

With everything life throws my way, these two battle it out. It’s like a constant tug-of-war. A constant fight to get, receive, pull in, and violently keep out the very things that will hurt one and help the other, and vice versa. The world is scary for the little girl but the bad ass cares about nothing and knows no fear.

And somewhere in there is supposed to be me. I’m not sure where I am or where I fit in between the two. I feel like the rope to their tug-of-war game. I’ve managed to stay sturdy all these years but I can feel myself fraying, losing strength and durability. One day they will break me. I don’t know what that will look like but I can imagine. One of them will win. So far the bad ass has been winning. She has to almost. The little girl can’t make it on her own.

And she is definitely on her own. She always has been.

The result of brain misfires…

I wrote a long post last night and something happened to my technology and I lost the whole thing. It’s been in and out of my head all day. I thought about rewriting it but I don’t know. I was really discouraged.

Maybe this is because my birthday is coming. I’ve always hated my birthday. It makes me uncomfortable. Or maybe it has nothing to do with that. I’ve tried to tell if I seem to get like this, worse, at certain times more than others. I don’t know though. I hardly know what day it is let alone to figure that out.

I’m numb. Score. This sucks too but it’s better than crying so hard I’m either breathless or all but screaming because the pain and emotions are so intense. I think I’ll accept being numb right now. I need a break. I feel dead inside. Not dead enough but still.

I wish I could quiet the voices in my head. I wish I could calm and soothe myself. I wish I was better. I wish I was better for others. I am poison. I feel like I need to cut all relationships off. I’m really no good for people. I should be alone. I shouldn’t be here at all but for whatever reason I am, but I should stay alone. For the sake of everyone.

If if if if if if….I’m thinking a lot of ifs. I know they say don’t do that but fuck “them”. Whoever “they” are. I have ifs and I want to think about them. It’s all I have right now. They suck but nothing is worse than my reality, if my reality is even reality at all. I have no idea.

I was thinking about that too. When I’m mean and bad, like to my boyfriend. I mean the things I say, which is sad, but they are all based on my reality in that moment, and my reality I guess isn’t really reality at all? Or its very distorted, so in a sense I don’t mean them at all. Right? I mean, I do, but based on falsifications that I’ve created in my own mind. So how valid are those things that I say? Hmm.

Friend in a glass

I’m drinking wine. I really just want to be drunk. Anything to numb the pain. I don’t know what’s happening lately, why things are so bad for me. Why I’m so awful. Such a mess. So broken.

I contacted the counseling place again. The place that has one lucky therapist in my local office who has experience with BPD. All they had now was an answering service and she couldn’t answer my questions. I couldn’t wait for tomorrow when the office opens again so I emailed them again. I feel like I’m dying. I know I keep saying all of this and I’m sure everyone is so tired of me. I can’t help it. I am trying to help it, but I just can’t. It keeps happening. What is going on? I can’t keep on like this. I just paced back and forth in my bathroom. I always go to the bathroom. I think because it’s small. It’s the closest to a hug I can get…a tiny room. I paced, or rather took steps in a circle. Crying. Panicking. Trying to breathe. Sobbing. And praying so hard for God to take me already.

Just like everyone else. Just like mom ignoring me, interrupting me, cutting me off to talk to other people and never hearing a word of what I say, God doesn’t hear me either. Is he ignoring me? Or has he just cut our communication lines so he doesn’t have to listen to me anymore? Though I don’t think we ever had communication lines to begin with.

Death is my “happy place” right now. I just want to run. Or walk. Stuck and lost in my head, feet moving, until I don’t know where I am, no one else knows who I am or cares, and I just want to end it all. I wish I could make no one look for me. I wish something tragic would happen so I didn’t have to be the one to make the decision. Then I could keep my promise and still get what I need.

I just can’t keep doing this. I can’t. I can’t.