So I’ve realized something about communication. We all know it takes more than one person to communicate. I tend to get very lost inside of myself that I think I end up being very unaware of myself and how I am effecting or appearing to others.
This past week I worked really really hard on communicating. It’s not something I’m good at. I am very good at closing off and staying quiet. In other words, staying out of the way, not causing problems, not being a burden, needing nothing, staying in the background; unnoticed. It’s how I’ve gotten by. Well, apparently this doesn’t work in a real relationship. By real I mean healthy.
My biggest fear(s) with communicating? If I communicate a need I fear I will be rejected. I believe I don’t deserve to ask for things or to need things, and I certainly don’t want to burden anyone with something I may need or want. I’m so used to those things being the result of expressing myself, and so I’ve learned to just hold it all in, take what I’m given and to be ok with it. Of course this leads to a lot of inner turmoil and awakens the borderline beast.
So this past week, I opened up. It was very hard. A couple of times I felt myself being triggered by something or another. Before it got too bad, I tried to take part in my side of communication. I couldn’t believe it…it worked. Almost instantly I could feel some of the intensity of my emotions lifting. The biggest difference I noticed, was that if I communicated to my boyfriend and we resolved the issue (which seemed to mostly always be in my head and never real), he was no longer a target like BPD likes to do. While that went away, I was still at times left with all of the emotions and nowhere to really go with them. I sat with them and eventually they faded away and I was ok. They were still intense but losing that rage element for the target loved one, was better. It rid of some of the impulsive behavior urges as well.
I know I still have more work to do with this and I hope I can keep doing it.