Yesterday I had my first therapy session including my boyfriend. I can’t imagine there needing to be any or many more with him, but I think it was a good thing. He said he thought it was positive, which I was really happy to hear considering I was very worried and nervous for it. It’s sort of embarrassing exposing such a side of yourself to the one person you love and want to be the absolute best for. It went well though, and I’m really glad we did it and really happy he was open to it.
It was hard to open up. It’s hard to open up to my therapist, or to anyone at all really, but to open up in such a setting and in such a way with him there, was very hard. There was one moment that got rough. He said something and it just triggered me. It blew my mind because my therapist almost instantly called me out on it and said she could see me going away. I felt it. I knew it was happening I guess but not really completely aware until she said it. It was a very weird (in a good way) experience because she started talking to me. To “me”. The me inside. I’m not sure how to explain it, but it was different. Usually when people talk to me when I’m like that, I feel like they’re more just talking ‘at’ me. They’re not really communicating with the me inside, the me that needs communicated with. They’re just communicating to the shell of me. I put up such strong walls and no one can get in. Meanwhile I’m in this war with myself and while I’m desperately trying to keep people out, I desperately want someone to get through to me; to save me. It’s such a trapped feeling. Like BPD is holding me hostage but no one can tell or knows how to help.
So somehow…she pointed out that she could see me going away. That I was detaching. I just remember her looking at me and telling me to look around the room and name 5 things I could see. I did it. She told me to tell her what I could hear. I did it. She got through. It was a bit of a struggle because my mind wanted to detach but the things I was doing and her pointing it out was almost like she was pulling me back. It was a bit of a tug-of-war, but she won.
The rest of the day was great. My boyfriend and I got lunch and he hung out for a bit. It was very nice. I thought it was going to be a rough day battling the detachment all day, but it ended up going away. I think spending some time with him after such an intense and anxiety provoking appointment, really helped.
Overall, I’d say that was a success.