I woke up this morning feeling worse than when I had went to sleep. Sometimes when I wake up I am fine and the episode has passed in my sleep. Other times I’m not so lucky. I finally told my boyfriend I wasn’t ok and he really helped. I was fine and the rest of the day was great until this evening. Another huge trigger. Another episode. This one was full of rage. It was bad. Suicide was at the very forefront of my thoughts. I was just in so much pain. I’m not completely ok yet. I’m communicative and a bit more interactive but still very stuck inside my head. I’m very self loathing right now. Watching myself go through this shit over and over again and knowing it affects other people and I just really hate it. I really hate me. I hate that I’m like this. I want it to stop. I feel very little. I want to keep crying because, well I just still hurt and am very ashamed of me. I’m so tired of battling this. I don’t think I will ever be an ounce of normal and I really feel like BPD steals my ability to have a good relationship.
I need Panda. I need something. I just really have an urge to scream and cry and go nuts because it just won’t stop.