I just want it to go away :(

I woke up this morning feeling worse than when I had went to sleep. Sometimes when I wake up I am fine and the episode has passed in my sleep. Other times I’m not so lucky. I finally told my boyfriend I wasn’t ok and he really helped. I was fine and the rest of the day was great until this evening. Another huge trigger. Another episode. This one was full of rage. It was bad. Suicide was at the very forefront of my thoughts. I was just in so much pain. I’m not completely ok yet. I’m communicative and a bit more interactive but still very stuck inside my head. I’m very self loathing right now. Watching myself go through this shit over and over again and knowing it affects other people and I just really hate it. I really hate me. I hate that I’m like this. I want it to stop. I feel very little. I want to keep crying because, well I just still hurt and am very ashamed of me. I’m so tired of battling this. I don’t think I will ever be an ounce of normal and I really feel like BPD steals my ability to have a good relationship.

I need Panda. I need something. I just really have an urge to scream and cry and go nuts because it just won’t stop.

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3 thoughts on “I just want it to go away :(

  1. I’m so sorry things are like this right now! But things are often worse (for me, at least) when there is instability, or change, or some cause of stress. Maybe everything will calm down soon. That doesn’t change how horrible everything feels now, but trusting that I will get settled with new things often helps to comfort me a bit.
    I am really glad you told your boyfriend. This way he can try his best to understand: Having BPD doesn’t make your feelings less valid–even when your thoughts can seem very irrational, you deserve to be heard and understood. I’m really sorry you were (/are) in so much pain! I hope it goes soon. But I really don’t think you should hate yourself. Whatever people say about BPD, (in my experience) the emotions felt are very real and honest, even if they don’t always come across that way. BPD can be really frustrating in relationships (and I know that I can’t know how it is for you), but I have started to believe that having a “good relationship” isn’t about always being calm and polite, it’s about being real, and showing emotion when it is felt; It’s about working to understand each other, which includes your boyfriend working to understand how BPD affects you. I know I am totally not an expert on relationships, but I really think you’re doing much better than you think: The fact that you’re worried about it shows you care a lot. Please don’t hate yourself: You really don’t deserve it.
    I hope things get much better for you soon.

  2. I agree with so much of what Andrea said earlier..
    I can’t begin to truly understand the feelings you’re going through in spite of having seen them so close to me for so many years.

    And you can’t begin to hate yourself for any of this because you didn’t do it to yourself. You didn’t ask for these feelings or create them or give life to them, and you certainly don’t deserve them.

    I think I’ve mentioned it before: you can’t help what you think because those thoughts are reflections upon your life’s experiences, most of which are not entirely under your control.

    And you can’t help how you feel because those feelings are your reactions to those thoughts and memories and the resultant triggers.

    You can fight to gain control only of your responses to those thoughts and feelings, and by acknowledging them and starting to understand them, you’ve taken the first two major steps in being able to control them.

    You might be farther from that than you want to be, but you’re closer than you think you are.

    I can’t imagine many of us being able to find the words you need to get you through this, but I have heard them from you.
    And I’ve felt the strength and resolve in those words.
    I imagine all of us lucky enough to start getting to know you have heard them.
    And there’s a bunch of us who will remain with you to help you believe in those words and will do whatever we can to help you live by them.

    If you can’t love yourself enough to keep yourself going through the battle, there are enough of us who do to help tide you over.
    We’re with you, precious child.

    Pops

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