Borderline See, Borderline Do

“At its extreme, it may mean having to turn to others for cues in order to know when to eat or drink, work or rest, or even laugh or cry (Dr. Richard A. Moskovitz, M.D., “Lost in the Mirror”). If you’ve never read this book about BPD, I highly recommend it.

I noticed this about myself even more so during the vacation I just had with my boyfriend. I started noticing myself mirroring his actions SO much. I’m not sure if he noticed or not, but when I started noticing it, it almost freaked me out in embarrassment. I found myself sitting how he would sit. If he had one elbow on the table, I would end up doing the same. If he took a sip of his drink, I would take a sip of mine. If he laughed, I’d laugh. If I couldn’t read his emotion (which happens often), I get panicky. I think slightly because I will often times automatically assume it is negative if I can’t read it, but also because it leaves me with nothing to mimic. I have no idea how to be, feel, or act if I can’t understand the one I am taking all of my cues from. Sadly, this crosses an entire span of things; eating, drinking, going to the bathroom, sleeping, waking, laughing, and how to do all of the above and more.

I noticed that I don’t even always trust my own judgment with things like being hungry, thirsty, tired, etc. That, and for some reason I feel “wrong” if I am any of those things when someone else is not. I will not always realize I am hungry when I’m with my boyfriend, until he expresses hunger or asks me if I am hungry and need something to eat. At that time, I feel it’s acceptable to be hungry. If I ever do think I’m hungry before he brings it up, I am very uncomfortable with myself for feeling that way. I kept falling asleep in the car as we had a lot of long car trips, and every time I woke up, I would feel so guilty. When he is awake, I feel I should be awake too and I criticize my sleepiness. I don’t like to initiate ANYTHING for fear it is “wrong” or will be rejected. No one likes to feel shameful.

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4 thoughts on “Borderline See, Borderline Do

  1. Hey precious –

    Since when are feelings ever wrong?
    I mean the emotional ones.
    Not like “feels like it’s gonna rain”.

    Of course, there are times when all your feelings seem to have left you in the dust, in which case you hopefully can talk them back.
    But the choice to ignore them is not a good practice.

    Tell Panda that I said Hi.

    Pops

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