I’m a little worried about me. I’ve been up and down a lot since vacation and it’s still happening. I know in a sense it’s normal or to be expected because vacationing with my boyfriend was a big step for me and the closer we get, even though I like it and it’s what I want, the worse my symptoms get.
I’m starting to get real discouraged and really tired. It’s exhausting battling BPD every single day.
I hate when something triggers me and it’s like a video of it is engraved into my mind and it just keeps replaying at random times over and over forfuckingever. I have a shit memory except for when it comes to triggers or things that hurt.
I keep replaying this one video from vacation and it kills me. I keep getting so symptomatic and angry and all so rapidly and it reminds me why I had previously decided to stay single forever. I just don’t think I really trust anyone. Sometimes I feel like I really trust my boyfriend and other times he is “one of them”. I don’t really trust me either so I don’t know which is right or just a symptom or what.
I’m tired. I haven’t been able to sleep the past two nights and my brain is in speed and panic mode.
I sorta wanna die. I’ve been thinking about it a lot through vacation and still now. I really hope I don’t live very long into old age. At least long enough that my kids are grown and stable…then I’m good to go. I don’t enjoy life all that much.
I think I’m in all black thinking right now. I’m not sure. I can’t tell. Though I am having trouble tapping into past experiences and any positive emotions that may be tied to them. I think I keep dissociating. It’s safer that way. Just turn everything off and go into autopilot with a fake smile.
I have been praying a lot lately. I need safety and comfort and even tho I’m not always God’s #1 fan, sometimes he is all I’ve got that can’t directly hurt me the way people do.
I’m not quite ok. I’m not sure what to do with my life. I’m unhappy. I want out of me. I want to be ok. I want BPD to go away and never bother me again. I want to be ok. Why me? I’m sick of me. I feel like giving up.