Consumed

I’m a little worried about me. I’ve been up and down a lot since vacation and it’s still happening. I know in a sense it’s normal or to be expected because vacationing with my boyfriend was a big step for me and the closer we get, even though I like it and it’s what I want, the worse my symptoms get.

I’m starting to get real discouraged and really tired. It’s exhausting battling BPD every single day.

I hate when something triggers me and it’s like a video of it is engraved into my mind and it just keeps replaying at random times over and over forfuckingever. I have a shit memory except for when it comes to triggers or things that hurt.

I keep replaying this one video from vacation and it kills me. I keep getting so symptomatic and angry and all so rapidly and it reminds me why I had previously decided to stay single forever. I just don’t think I really trust anyone. Sometimes I feel like I really trust my boyfriend and other times he is “one of them”. I don’t really trust me either so I don’t know which is right or just a symptom or what.

I’m tired. I haven’t been able to sleep the past two nights and my brain is in speed and panic mode.

I sorta wanna die. I’ve been thinking about it a lot through vacation and still now. I really hope I don’t live very long into old age. At least long enough that my kids are grown and stable…then I’m good to go. I don’t enjoy life all that much.

I think I’m in all black thinking right now. I’m not sure. I can’t tell. Though I am having trouble tapping into past experiences and any positive emotions that may be tied to them. I think I keep dissociating. It’s safer that way. Just turn everything off and go into autopilot with a fake smile.

I have been praying a lot lately. I need safety and comfort and even tho I’m not always God’s #1 fan, sometimes he is all I’ve got that can’t directly hurt me the way people do.

I’m not quite ok. I’m not sure what to do with my life. I’m unhappy. I want out of me. I want to be ok. I want BPD to go away and never bother me again. I want to be ok. Why me? I’m sick of me. I feel like giving up.

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3 thoughts on “Consumed

  1. Dear Mandi,
    Lots of hugs to you. Does your support team know how you are feeling? Is there anything I can do to help? I think your right though that is does make sense that the BPD symptoms are stronger right now. Hang in there, have hope that BPD will realise soon that you’re winning this fight, not it. You kick ass!
    xxx

    1. Support team? I’m not sure I have one of those…

      Thank you for your support. There’s not much you can do but it is nice to know that you care, so I appreciate your comment. 🙂

      1. Well maybe your therapist can help, or maybe your boyfriend? I remember you saying how difficult you find it to ask for help through. Or perhaps Panda might be able to offer suggestions? Xx

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