How can you tell that someone loves you? What does it feel like? I know what it feels like to feel love for someone else, but I’m not sure I am skilled at feeling it from others toward me. People say it. People do nice things sometimes (some people), but I’m not certain that feeling “loved” is something I’ve ever really been able to experience other than possibly for a fleeting moment or so. Like all of the other positive things, I am not able to hold onto it or remember/recall it when it’s not happening at that very moment. I’m not even completely sure I’ve ever felt it but I think I might have.
I am excellent, however, at feeling negative emotions from others toward me. I know what it feels like when someone is angry at you. I’m not even completely sure I fully comprehend that someone could be hurt by me, except for that intense phase when I snap out of one of my episodes. I know I’ve felt very ashamed at realizing I’ve hurt my boyfriend sometimes. Up until that short moment in time where that reality hits me (and then disappears), I have no concept that someone could be hurt by me. Why on earth would someone be hurt by anything I do? I’m nothing. I guess it’s hard for me to understand that other people may feel love for me the way I feel for them. Do they? I will never really know. I tend to think that people are just disloyal unemotional things that are only worried about themselves with no real care for anyone else, and like I am the only person the world with emotions, and ones that are too much to handle.
It’s the only thing I want: to feel loved. Not just a fleeting moment here or there. A moment that goes as quickly as it comes, leaving absolutely no trace of ever existing with no possibility of ever pulling it back to the surface whenever I need to experience it again.
Wow, this all makes so much sense now. If we can’t recall these experiences, no wonder we aren’t able to connect all of life’s events in order to create one cohesive whole that makes sense. No wonder I need to be reassured every 5 minutes that someone still loves me and isn’t leaving me, etc, because I can’t recall the last time they said it or showed it, in order to have it when I need it. I imagine others may pull up these good memories whenever they feel a little lonely and they may be once again reminded and filled with the love someone has for them. Not me. I try so hard to do this, but I can’t.
My life feels like that movie “50 First Dates”, except I have emotion amnesia. Each day, everything starts over. The relationship I’ve been in for the past x amount of time is brand new each morning, or each time my brain switches over, or each time we see each other. I need to re-meet the person. I need to re-evaluate them to ensure they are safe. I need to hear all over again that they want to be with me, they love me, they aren’t leaving. If I requested this information as many times as I actually need it, I can’t count how many times each day I’d be asking.
It’s not fair. I don’t know if I can handle it, or if anyone else really can either.