I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Actually, anytime in my life that I’ve found myself on the search for a therapist, I’ve thought about this. I seem to find more female therapists than male. As I was growing up, when I first started therapy, I had a male first which didn’t work out. He really was just awful all around, and he shared characteristics of the very people who landed me in therapy to begin with. He didn’t listen to a word I said and only told me what I felt and didn’t feel. I learned that within the first 15 minutes of my first appointment when he blabbed and blabbed and said, “Is that how you feel?” and I said, “No.” and he said, “Well I think it is.” and he moved on. From that moment on I spent the rest of that and the next session putting on chapstick, repeatedly. Not saying a word or acknowledging his existence. I was in my own world with my chapstick until that 50 minutes was up. Needless to say, that was the last time I was forced to see him.
My second therapist was a woman, but she specialized in kids my age. She got right through to me. I saw her for about a year until she felt I didn’t need her anymore. I did well for another year until I stopped taking my meds and shit hit the fan again. I had a couple of one or two-time therapists that were female that didn’t work out, and then found one that was great and who finally handed me my BPD diagnosis. That was the end/beginning of my life, so it felt. My psychiatrist that worked with her and prescribed all my meds, was male. I remember being very nervous with him because I tend to be much more nervous with men, but I remember really liking him because he was very nice and was probably the first male I’d ever met that was like him, and not like the others in my life. He listened to me, he was calm, and he never seemed to really get angry with me even when I’d be afraid that he would be for one reason or another.
Again I had one or two others that were female because I had moved out of town and had to switch. I then moved back to town and here I am with another female.
I’m not against female therapists whatsoever. Clearly I’ve had some great ones. But here are my thoughts…would I go further in therapy with a male? My core issues, the most deep rooted issues, are with men. I don’t experience many symptoms with females, well I do, but not near like I do with men. I have very different perceptions of each gender, though majority of my damage is with how I relate to men. And so I wonder, if I found a good male therapist, would that be very beneficial in helping me to experience, in a safe environment, a positive relationship with a male while I’m going through all of this breaking down of the self and rebuilding and healing? Would it help me to all but practice what I am learning, with a male, all of these things that I need to put in place in my personal life relationships such as with my boyfriend? Would experiencing a positive male role model in this context, help to reconstruct how I view men, and possibly decrease the frequency or lessen the intensity of what I am triggered by now, with men?
So many questions, but I think these are valid thoughts. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe there is no right or wrong and only what I think or believe or feel. Maybe…I don’t know.