70% Of Borderlines Will…*TRIGGER WARNING*

…attempt to commit suicide. 10% of them will succeed.

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this statistic, but I’ve never really thought about it. Right now I am. That’s a very large number. 400 times the national average? Outrageous. If this doesn’t get people realizing just how much we suffer, I don’t know what will.

It’s ironic how the same object used to kill another in war or to get illegal and immoral revenge on another, etc…can look like the only means to salvation to someone else.  While one person may see a ditch, another may see a peaceful place to drift off to their last goodbye. What looks like a dangerous set of tracks to one, may look like the perfect place to bear the force of the oncoming train to a final destiny where they will have to suffer no more, to another. What seems like the end of life to most, seems like the end of suffering to some. You say its a permanent fix to a temporary problem, I say it’s a permanent fix to a permanent problem. That’s the goal afterall: relief. You say I’m ending my life, I say I’ve never lived, but have only been trying to survive. What am I surviving for? To suffer? No thank you.

I’m not condoning suicide. I’m not saying I’m going to do it. I think about it a lot, yes. Mainly I’m expressing a viewpoint that most probably don’t think about. If I didn’t have my kids, I’d be gone. I would have spared a lot of people my burden. Suicide may mean death to you, but to me it often times represents a savior. Peace at last. It’s something when death seems better than living this way. I experience sometimes multiple times just in one day that the internal pain is so much I would trade it for death in a heartbeat; again if it weren’t for my children. It hurts so badly that it feels like it will kill me. Sometimes I just wish it would already.

I’m really tired of suffering. I don’t remember a time in my life that I was really ok, as in, without mental illness. I’ve always been “off”. I was born a victim and grew up to be a statistic of sorts. I don’t want to be a survivor. I want to live, but I don’t know how.


4 thoughts on “70% Of Borderlines Will…*TRIGGER WARNING*

  1. You were born a victim.
    In a sense, that’s true.
    As it is with freckles and double chins, some of us are born with a predisposition to Depression or Alcoholism, Autism or Anorexia, or BPD.
    Depending on the specific diagnosis/es. the biological and genetic elements will factor into things to a greater or lesser degree than they would in a different breed of Mental Illness.
    Everything I’ve read or watched or Googled about Borderline makes it appear as having more Environmental factors. Lots more.
    Sometimes the dick-weed who sneaks up behind you and kneels down … and the ass-hat who stands there in front of you and pushes?
    Could be it’s the exact same dick-weed ass-hat.
    So many people tell perfectly identical stories, each using their own roster of proper nouns.
    And the bunch of us take whatever meds we have to and turn our sights inward. An unfortunate majority of us don’t have an adequately insightful tracker to lead the way along this path except every now and then. Usually more “then”. We try to track down whatever beast our feelings have created for us back to the thoughts or memories in which that beast was bred.

    I haven’t changed but maybe a handful of those thoughts over the years.
    An encouragingly larger number of times I’ve just abandoned those thoughts and replaced them with newer ones.
    Not quite feral, not yet entirely housebroken.
    I couldn’t realistically be expected to change the way I think entirely, but I could adapt it according to newer thoughts I picked up along the way.
    And the path can become a whole bunch more pastoral.

    Been shitloads of people talking about that the past week or so. Talking about how we need to talk about suicide and Depression. So people will start to understand these things better.
    Like everybody has done since we lost Phillip Seymour Hoffman
    Conceptually, intellectually, academically everybody needs to learn more than we already think we know.
    The problem is that some folks out they will never be able to comprehend that for some of the most unsuspected and surprising souls, all it takes that split second when the 47,000th stranger to walk up to them at their private booth in the restaurant, stick his cell phone in their face and say “Hey Mork! Do sumpin funny!”

    The rest of the time, the only people who will be talking about it afterwards are the ones who could have seen something coming, and we all need as many of those as we can get.

    Hope you get something comfortable worked out on the therapy front.
    I kind of think they should make the first visit a freebie. Like a test drive.

    1. Hey! That is very nice of you. Thank you for this message. I read it while at work and it made me smile. I had a great day today. Thank you again 🙂 I hope you are ok

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