I want to come back

Today wasn’t good. The thing that I didn’t want to talk about because I wasn’t ready for an episode? Well turns out I’m not the boss. Today it decided it was not only going to torture me, but life decided it was going to sprinkle some more hardcore triggers into the mix for shits and giggles, and now I’m a mess.

I spent lunch with my boyfriend, a lunch that was supposed to be filled with smiles and hugs and kisses and I missed you’s, staring out the car window, lost in my mind, in and out of a slight panic, tortured by memories that were being triggered by smells and everything was racing with a lovely snowball effect.

Now I feel like I’ve been climbing this huge mountain and on the other side is reality. I’m nearing the top, getting quick glimpses of the other side (reality), but I keep tripping and sliding a bit back down, unable to officially reach the top, get stable, and join the rest of the world.

I’m trying so hard but I can’t seem to keep grasp of things. The bad stuff keeps flashing in my head and sucking me back in. As soon as I get distracted and calm down a little, it pops back in and in an instant I feel this rush of rage, anxiety, and nausea. I was so not ok at lunch today that I couldn’t eat. I tried but only managed about one or two bites of food.

I really hate me 😦 I’m worried I won’t get better. What will that mean?


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