I wish I could throw myself into a pile of pillows, my panda, and soft fuzzy blankets. I’d envision them all like loving sponges, soaking up all of my excess emotions. The sadness, the anger, the loneliness, the fear. I’d close my eyes and feel all of that overwhelming intensity just leaving me, and all of that loving fuzziness would snuggle up against me. I wish Panda could talk and pillows could float and blankets had arms. So my pillows could take me up into the sky, away from everything, where it’s safe, and Panda could be my friend, listening and offering comforting words, but he would only talk to me, and my blankets could hug me an protect me.
I feel like my mind is made up of layers of fantasy, all covering up the core of reality. Floating around that core is a dark borderline cloud, just floating around and stormily attacking reality whenever it wants. At times, I peel back layer by layer, slowly, carefully, cautiously. Upon lifting that last layer, sometimes I’m ok and I manage to play in reality for a little before the storm comes. Other times I’ve found I peeled back that last layer at the wrong time and the cloud is already there. Sometimes I can’t escape it, other times I can put the layers back, even create more if I need to, just to get me as far away from the core as possible. It hurts there. It’s not safe.
I am tired of going through this. I feel like a ragdoll. I’m tired of walking on egg-shells, of making others walk on egg-shells, of everything.
I wish I could describe enough to ‘normals’, what its like to live each day in fear…basically of yourself. In fear that the smallest wrong thing will happen and destroy your life and then leave you stranded in the midst of the destruction and fear of when it will happen again. I feel like a poison.
I’m not sure I fear death. How can you kill something that’s already dead? How can you hurt something that’s already in immense pain? How can you destroy something that’s already defective and in pieces? How can you damage something that’s already been broken time and time again? How can you fix that thing? I feel like fiberglass. Tiny shards too small and irregular to ever be put back together into a whole.