I want to be loved like what you see in a Fairy tale. I want to be loved like the kind of love you hear in love songs. I want someone to love me like that. I don’t know if that’s possible. I never think it is. I’m just not the kind of girl you could ever love in that way. I’m not the kind of girl that could ever make a guy think, “Wow, she’s the one”. Or to be so happy that he’s got me and he would want no one else, even though I’m a mess. Guys always want someone else. I’ve never been “the one”, I’ve just been the “good enough for now”. It’s never forever, it’s until someone better comes along. And better is everywhere. Guys prove that by their wandering eyes that they don’t even try to respectfully hide when you’re around, or by just blatantly cheating. I don’t trust people. Just about every man that was in my life, when he wasn’t there it was because he was with someone else. By someone else I don’t mean a friend or family member, I mean “someone else”. They all did it. Fairytale love doesn’t exist.
Growing up realizing dad wasn’t working late. He was busy doing drugs and cheating on mom, which felt like he was cheating on me. All I ever wanted was a dad. Instead I got one who crossed every boundary you could think of, then verbally blamed me for his failed marriage and life because I just “couldn’t keep a secret”. How dare I. And teaching me how to behave so I wouldn’t get abused and if I did, well I must’ve done something wrong to deserve it. His precious big screen TV was too much to step away from to stop his daughter’s boyfriend from degrading and choking her just at the top of the steps. Instead, once his show was over and the criminal had left, dad makes his way upstairs to tell me he heard everything and I really should just “be better” and those things wouldn’t happen.
And sex. You better give it up if you want your man to stay. Then again, even that won’t make him stay. Men do what they want. Men are kings. Women are wenches. Men rule. Women just are here. I’m not really sure what we do but I think being a female sucks. I’m suicidal. I won’t do it but the thoughts are flashing in my head like movie previews on fast-forward. I deserve nothing. I feel like giving everything up. It’s not fair of me to bring other people down. I’m such a needy child, it’s ridiculous. I make myself sick and I’m not sure how anyone else tolerates it. Well, they never did. It’s only a matter of time before my boyfriend leaves. He said he isn’t but I know that’s not true. He will eventually. People leave. That’s just how it goes.
God please take me already. I’m in too much pain and no one understands. I can’t stand being alone anymore, but I’m not made to not be alone. God, you messed up. You clearly do make mistakes.
I’d give just about anything to be able to SH right now, or die. I wish I had somewhere safe to go.