Losing it

It’s been a rough few days for me. I cancelled my next therapy session. My boyfriend told me to go but keep looking for someone who takes my insurance. I’m not sure if I acted impulsively when I emailed her to cancel, or if I was thinking clearly or not. In either case, I cancelled it. I have a plan so I’m not completely without any direction with all of this, I just hope something happens sooner than later.

I’ve been crazy. I’ve been overly sensitive. I’ve been on edge, or over the edge…and on the wrong side of it. I’ve been hostile, angry, sad, a bit more expressive and vocal about my inner-torment than I usually am, and sadly I’ve been directing it at my boyfriend.

I’m not sure what’s up lately but this past week or so I feel like I’ve been worse and I’ve been stuck in it and I can’t get out. The kids go back to school tomorrow. It’s my son’s first day of kindergarten. I’m having some issues with his father. There’s this potential new job. So maybe it’s just the result of a lot of change going on in my life. I don’t like change. I like routine. I like consistency. I like knowing what to expect. I like order. And lately I feel like my whole world is being messed with from all different angles.

It makes me feel very unsafe. That’s probably the best word to describe how I’ve been feeling. And when I don’t feel safe, I get on the defensive with EVERYONE. My guard goes up, I’m on even higher alert than I usually am, and everything that comes into my world and every interaction I have, seems bad. Like something or someone is trying to hurt me and I need to let them know that I’m one step ahead of them. I call people out on what I “see” and “know” about what they’re doing. I guess to them I seem crazy, but to me it is all very real.

I just feel unsafe. I feel like I don’t know me. I don’t know who I am, who my boyfriend is, what I want. I just feel very disconnected from even myself and I feel very confused. The only way I can describe it, is when you’re in the mall with your mom and you get distracted by something shiny only to turn around and realize that she’s no longer there. Or even better yet, when you start tagging along behind an adult, thinking it’s your mom, and then look up at them and realize it isn’t her.

Lost. Panicked. Afraid. Nervous. Confused. How did this happen? How did my world become unfamiliar in a matter of seconds? Where’s the familiar faces? What do I do? Where do I go now?

That’s how I feel. Like I’m going through life and things are fine and suddenly everything changes. I look up to find I don’t know who this man is that I’m with, or where I am. Nothing looks or feels familiar and I just want all of it back. I want me back. I want my life back. I want the familiar things back. I want to feel love again. I want to feel safe again.

A couple of times on vacation when I got like this, my boyfriend started talking to me. Just telling me about where we were, what we were doing, and reminiscing about some of the funny moments throughout the day. After a few minutes, it brought me back. I try to do this for myself, but I can’t. I tried to look at pictures but it felt like I was looking at other people. I tried to tell myself the story of our vacation or good times, but I couldn’t remember anything. Things that I did sort of remember, felt like someone else’s story that I was telling. I couldn’t emotionally connect to the experience that apparently was my own.

This is no way to live.

I am very discouraged. I’m wondering what I’m doing and if I should keep doing it. I feel like I should spare people.

Side thought, I spent some time with my family the other week. I can’t count how many times I was trying to tell my mom things and she’d stop listening and/or start talking to someone else. I’d realize that I was talking to no one and sometimes it was like no one even noticed that I stopped talking, or she’d notice I was upset that she cut me off to talk to someone else, and then she’d just expect me to not be bothered by it.

My whole life that’s been happening. It makes me never want to talk again. I think it’s a big reason I sometimes don’t talk. I feel like nothing I have to say is important enough to expect anyone to listen. It’s so bad that I often times don’t know what to say if given the opportunity to talk. I am blank. I’ve buried so much conversation so deep inside that I can’t surface it enough to blab about things. On the occasion that I do blab, I end up feeling guilty for talking “so much”.

And now I’m angry. Angry, secondary, because really I’m just hurt. I wish I never existed. I can’t wait until life is over.

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3 thoughts on “Losing it

  1. Change is very hard for me if I’m not prepared for it. If I have a chance to prepare for it, it doesn’t catch me off guard as badly. I hope things change for the better for you soon!

  2. Words can be so powerful.
    The right ones at the right time can be inspiring.
    Cathartic.

    I can’t find any right now.
    None that would be remotely sufficient.
    And I’ve had a bunch of time trying to find them for Liz.

    Shit…
    … BPD is so much about feelings that seem to come out of nowhere and just take over, and it’s so difficult for a tender, vulnerable soul to find the comforting ones in the mix, and just as fucking difficult for those who care to get those feelings across when words are not enough.
    The best any of us could hope to come up with could still sound so clichéd, the most well-intentioned come off as dismissive.

    The thing is, precious child, you need to find those words within yourself.
    Easier said than done.
    And actually a bit clichéd, I guess.

    But the only words I can find right now.

    Side thought:
    she hasn’t had the time yet to re-book the appointment you canceled.

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