Friend in a glass

I’m drinking wine. I really just want to be drunk. Anything to numb the pain. I don’t know what’s happening lately, why things are so bad for me. Why I’m so awful. Such a mess. So broken.

I contacted the counseling place again. The place that has one lucky therapist in my local office who has experience with BPD. All they had now was an answering service and she couldn’t answer my questions. I couldn’t wait for tomorrow when the office opens again so I emailed them again. I feel like I’m dying. I know I keep saying all of this and I’m sure everyone is so tired of me. I can’t help it. I am trying to help it, but I just can’t. It keeps happening. What is going on? I can’t keep on like this. I just paced back and forth in my bathroom. I always go to the bathroom. I think because it’s small. It’s the closest to a hug I can get…a tiny room. I paced, or rather took steps in a circle. Crying. Panicking. Trying to breathe. Sobbing. And praying so hard for God to take me already.

Just like everyone else. Just like mom ignoring me, interrupting me, cutting me off to talk to other people and never hearing a word of what I say, God doesn’t hear me either. Is he ignoring me? Or has he just cut our communication lines so he doesn’t have to listen to me anymore? Though I don’t think we ever had communication lines to begin with.

Death is my “happy place” right now. I just want to run. Or walk. Stuck and lost in my head, feet moving, until I don’t know where I am, no one else knows who I am or cares, and I just want to end it all. I wish I could make no one look for me. I wish something tragic would happen so I didn’t have to be the one to make the decision. Then I could keep my promise and still get what I need.

I just can’t keep doing this. I can’t. I can’t.


4 thoughts on “Friend in a glass

  1. Hey love. I just want to say, you’re not alone in this. I could have written this exact post. Its a horrible feeling – like being trapped in your own life, with no plausible way out. Suicide seems like the only way out, but even then, you think of your family and all the people you would upset if you did it. So then you feel even more trapped than before. It sucks.
    Also wanted to say (i dont mean to be preachy, just from personal experience) communication with anyone is a two person thing – So with prayer, remember to take time to listen to God,.. he uses his word the bible for that, so why dont you try giving some of it a read. I find psalms and proverbs really helpful. Heres a link to an online version

    I can totally relate to the finding comfort in a small space thing ( i thought i must have been the only one!!) I like to hide in my wardrobe with the doors shut, or a large draw etc when i am feeling really stressed out/anxious/whatever. It helps calm me down. Maybe try your wardrobe??
    Lol weird advice, i know… but who knows it could help!

    Im here if you need xx

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