I wrote a long post last night and something happened to my technology and I lost the whole thing. It’s been in and out of my head all day. I thought about rewriting it but I don’t know. I was really discouraged.
Maybe this is because my birthday is coming. I’ve always hated my birthday. It makes me uncomfortable. Or maybe it has nothing to do with that. I’ve tried to tell if I seem to get like this, worse, at certain times more than others. I don’t know though. I hardly know what day it is let alone to figure that out.
I’m numb. Score. This sucks too but it’s better than crying so hard I’m either breathless or all but screaming because the pain and emotions are so intense. I think I’ll accept being numb right now. I need a break. I feel dead inside. Not dead enough but still.
I wish I could quiet the voices in my head. I wish I could calm and soothe myself. I wish I was better. I wish I was better for others. I am poison. I feel like I need to cut all relationships off. I’m really no good for people. I should be alone. I shouldn’t be here at all but for whatever reason I am, but I should stay alone. For the sake of everyone.
If if if if if if….I’m thinking a lot of ifs. I know they say don’t do that but fuck “them”. Whoever “they” are. I have ifs and I want to think about them. It’s all I have right now. They suck but nothing is worse than my reality, if my reality is even reality at all. I have no idea.
I was thinking about that too. When I’m mean and bad, like to my boyfriend. I mean the things I say, which is sad, but they are all based on my reality in that moment, and my reality I guess isn’t really reality at all? Or its very distorted, so in a sense I don’t mean them at all. Right? I mean, I do, but based on falsifications that I’ve created in my own mind. So how valid are those things that I say? Hmm.