I got the job. The one I interviewed for last week that I was really hoping I’d get. I got it. I am really excited but I am also trying really hard to shut the bad me up that wants to tell me that I might not make it, maybe I won’t do a good job, maybe I will suck, maybe I’m not fit for this position and simply put on a good show in my interview. Yes, I’m trying to shut her up. I’m excited and it really is the most awesome opportunity and will be great for my future. Not to mention that the job itself is just freaking fun.
I feel good right now in some ways. I’m on point with what I wanted this evening to be. I made dinner and used up some leftovers which I love doing. I cleaned a lot. I got the kitchen all cleaned up and some stuff put away that I’ve been meaning to get to. I went through all my papers I had out and got them filed away. The kids were inside on time and both got showers. We prepared lunches for tomorrow so all we have to do is collect it all into the lunch bags and out the door we all go. They picked out their clothes for tomorrow as well so we don’t have the usual battle of what to wear. They should be getting into bed on time in just a few minutes, and then I plan on drinking some more wine and watching a tv show or a movie just because I feel accomplished.
I had an interesting night last night. Clearly, as my entries prove, I was not ok last night. I was really struggling but trying to still act and behave normally, though it didn’t work. My boyfriend was supposed to come over and I told him that I wasn’t sure who I was that day and he may not like the me I was if he came over, but I still wanted him to come over. I didn’t want to really talk or be emotional. It started off as such…until he opened the emotional door. I lost it. Not in a borderline rage kind of way. I just cried. A lot. Off and on and randomly. Panicked; mild panic attacks. It was rough. However, the end result was great.
I got out a lot of emotion, which I think I needed, and it was safe because he was there. That was good because there was no fear of what I may do to myself because we just hugged until it passed and he talked to me throughout. In some ways I am ashamed and embarrassed when he sees me that way, but I think that is decreasing. He doesn’t seem to really mind that I’m…a mess. I think I like that. I’ve had exes that would verbally degrade me for who or what I was. From the music I listened to, to my legit craziness. My boyfriend though…it’s almost as if he is unaffected by it all and maybe he accepts me just like this? Is that possible?? I worry. I wonder. I’m not sure but he is still here. I don’t know why or how he does it, but I’m glad he is here.
Well, time to get the kiddos into bed, get my wine, and see what this “relaxing” thing is all about.