I need to figure out how to get rid of this. I’m assuming the only way is by creating/finding my own identity as that is one of my symptoms…that just seems like something that will happen over a long period of time, and I want it to change now.
I just spent a great night and day with my boyfriend. GREAT, even though I was in and out of my symptoms and at times was just pretty shitty with him. He just left and when he leaves, it’s like he takes the whole world with him. When he’s here, I feel like I actually am part of a world. It’s colorful, there are things, it’s like walking through a colorful field of flowers and all kinds of things of wonder. Colorful. Full of life with sound and things to interact with. When he leaves…he takes all of that with him. It’s like blinking and upon opening my eyes, I’m in a room of white, or black. Everything is all the same that I can’t even tell if there are walls or ceilings, and if there are, I can’t tell where they begin or end. There’s no sound. No color. It’s the lack of absolutely everything. The epitome of nothingness. The true meaning of emptiness.
I think it’s why I (borderlines) get attached to people. They bring identity with them. With identity comes life. We don’t have and can’t get those things without these other people, and so we crave pulling them in. But it hurts so badly when they go away and so we want to shut them out at the same time. It’s like offering someone that’s been stuck in the desert, only a drop of water every couple of miles. It fucks with you. You almost feel like, “Fuck the water. Don’t give me anymore.”, but you keep taking that drop anyway because you need it and even though it’s just not enough, it’s what’s keeping you alive. You put all of your life’s hope into that one tiny drop of water every few miles.
I want a world that stays with me when others leave. A world that always has color and sounds and things. A world that’s mine and that doesn’t rely on anyone or everyone else to give it life or existence. Those things feel so far out of reach for me, or like just pure impossibilities for me to have. Just another wish.