How do you describe to someone, how much pain you are in? How can you communicate a measure of something that no one can see? That may be part of the reason why I’ve self-harmed. How can someone else understand, that every second of every day I am in pure agony inside? It never goes away. When I’m “happy”, there’s still this underlying hurt, it’s just a little more like background noise at that moment.
Actually, if you know music, think of a riff. That repeated tune that plays over and over throughout the entire song. When you aren’t thinking about it, you don’t necessarily notice it. It’s still there, and you pick up on it, but you’re not directly aware of it. When your attention is brought to it, however, it stands out. Like it’s the only thing you can hear anymore in the song. Once you’ve been made aware of it, it’s hard to push it back down into your subconscious where you can still hear and enjoy all of the other instruments and tunes that are playing along with it.
I say this over and over, but I’m just so tired of being in pain. I’m so so tired of hurting so much all of the time. I need relief. I need a break. I want it to go away and not ever come back. I want to enjoy things, fully. I want to be able to go on a date with my boyfriend and not have to battle myself the entire time, or be so anxious and nervous that I may be triggered by something. I want to leave my house and not look at all of the other people I come across and think how much better than me they are. I want to be good enough.
I just want to stop hurting. I want to stop going from 0 to 1000 in a split second. From 0 to suicidal in a split second. The all or nothing. The black and white. I know. I get it. I guess in my world 0 and 1000 or 0 and suicidal are the only options.