FOOLED

I’m going CRAZY!!! I can’t believe this. I just want to scream “fuck everything!!!” I’m so conflicted. I don’t like how I feel. I don’t LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I HAVE NOTHING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO MORE WINE. NOTHING TO HELP ME SLEEP AND I JUST WANT TO BE PASSED OUT. I’M SO FUCKING ANTSY AND EVERYTHING IS RACING INSIDE. I’M ANGRY. ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. WHY GOD, FUCKING WHY. WHY DID MY OLD THERAPIST NOT TAKE INSURANCE. SHE WAS HELPFUL FOR ME. IT WAS GOOD. SHE UNDERSTOOD. BUT NO. HERE I AM. CONSTANTLY SEARCHING FOR HELP. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING FOOL. WHY DID HE LIE? WHY DID HE SAY THAT AND IT WASN’T TRUE? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

WHY.

WHY.

WHY.

WHAT DO I DO NOW? I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I’M SO UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ME RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO GET AWAY FROM ME. I HATE THESE FEELINGS. I WANT THEM TO GO AWAY. I WANT THEM OUT OF ME. I WANT TO THROW THE BIGGEST TANTRUM!!!!

I FEEL FOOLED. THIS WAS MY LAST CHANCE. THERE’S NO ONE ELSE. 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

MAKE IT GO AWAY

He lied; now what?

I had therapy tonight. I don’t think it was good. I don’t think I like him as my therapist. I’ve been noticing something and he finally said it today, and I’m really mad. He lied to me. He told me specifically in his response to my email inquiry when I was looking for a therapist, that he had 30 years experience treating people with BPD. Well, he lied. He said tonight that he hadn’t ever worked with anyone with BPD until very recently. He only just started reading about DBT. He didn’t even know who Marsha Linehan was. Tonight I had to explain to him what mindfulness meant. He keeps sort of dismissing the diagnosis and saying that he doesn’t like to deal with the diagnosis, just treat the person. I think it’s because he doesn’t know about the diagnosis. I’m starting to feel dismissed and I’m starting to feel like he’s invalidating what is wrong with me. Not that I want him to sit there and tell me that I’m defective because I have BPD, but dammit BPD is very real and he doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t understand me. He also keeps talking about his own life. His divorces/failed relationships. Bad dreams he’s had. I feel like I’m the therapist sometimes. I don’t like it. I don’t want to keep going but now I’m stuck for at least a month because I have this freaking medication appointment at the end of the month that I have to wait for. I’m screaming inside.

The Sanity Wave

I am still riding this sanity wave. I’m getting a little concerned. I’ve still had some triggered moments and some moments of rage and thoughts I’ve had to work through; the typical mood swings; but so far I’ve been managing to keep it all in check. When I really think about it, like right now since I’m writing about it, it makes me really anxious and scared. I just really don’t ever want to be in that bad place again. I know inside that it’s inevitable, I just don’t want it.

My boyfriend told me last night that he’s really proud of me. I really like to hear that and especially coming from him. I really respect him and I think that carries a lot of weight because if he is proud of me and loves me and thinks good things about me, well then it all must mean something. Anyway, he said I’ve been doing really well and I seem like I’ve gotten some more control over it. That felt really good and I think he’s right. I’m really not sure what happened. I mean, I know last weekend when I had my last little episode, some things he said to me really hit me. Is it possible that it changed me a little? Or am I just riding a longer high than usual? I’m not sure.

Ok yea it really does scare me. I mean, this all feels really good and I like it, I just don’t understand how this is happening and God I really don’t want it to get me again. I just don’t want to be there. I feel like the kid that’s being dragged into somewhere she doesn’t want to be. Like the mean babysitter that mom thinks is nice but when mom leaves, she’s a horrible witch. And so I’m clinging and dragging my feet and fighting back but mom is forcing me to go inside and she’s going to leave me there. That’s how I feel when I think about BPD getting me again the next time. I just really don’t wanna go back there 😦

Ok I can hear my boyfriend’s voice now. I should stop worrying about that and just enjoy where I am right now. It’s hard to do because it’s so scary and bad but ok.

I am going to bed early tonight. I hope I sleep well. Oh and my boyfriend said to wait for my appointment for the meds instead of rescheduling for a sooner appointment with a different doctor. So, I’m going to wait. I just need to learn how to be patient. I just have to wait. Just wait.

Is it happiness?

I’m so…happy? Is it weird that I’m not sure I really know what happy is or what it feels like? I use the word but I’m not entirely sure if its what I’m feeling or not. I think partly because I attribute every single emotion as being just another part of my BPD cycle. Happiness is also felt in a borderline way for me, and so I never really know if it’s real or not. I also tend to have heightened anxiety when I’m “happy”, and so that confuses me even more.

However, I’m going to say I am very happy right now. I had a great day. My boyfriend came over this morning to show me some things. That was fun. Then he took us out for lunch, and that was really fun too! Then I stopped by to just give him a kiss for a few minutes. That was a great time. Now he’s stopping by again tonight! Just because!

He’s such a patient man. I love him.

I got some things done today. I’m very tired. I didn’t go to bed last night til about 5:30am and then got up at 8am. I need sleep. I’m going to rely on wine because it usually helps me sleep.

I got groceries. I cut up the celery, pulled the grapes off the vines and washed them, and organized the fridge so everything is ready and easily accessible for packing lunches in the morning.

I’m nervous to go to work tomorrow. Not for anything in particular. It’s just such a great job and I worry so badly I will fail. It’s very outside of my confidence zone, so every day that I go, I am really stepping outside of my comfort zone and pushing myself. It’s hard. They said I’m doing really well though.

Happy sigh. A new week. I’ve been good for a whole week. My boyfriend is happy. A whole week! I hope I stay good. I am happy too.

I have therapy on Tuesday this week. I’m getting anxious about waiting a whole month to see my doctor for meds. Maybe I should just call back and reschedule to see any doctor I can, ASAP. Idk what to do. I think I will ask my boyfriend what to do.

Time Unwell Spent

I’m bored. It’s 4:06am and I’m still awake. If it weren’t for the kids, I’d probably go out and get my grocery shopping done so I don’t have to do it later today, and I need to get a new lamp for my son’s room. I could do that now but I can’t leave them here, and I’m surely not waking them up.

I think I’ve decided on a clothing style. I think. But what do I know. I also think I need to change my shopping method. You may be surprised to hear it, but I’m a very all or nothing kind of person (haha). I need so many things that I tend to think that I need to get them all at one time, and if I can’t, then I pretty much just get really enraged and say “Fuck you! Fuck it all!” and I refuse to get anything at all. I should probably just get one or two things at a time, and slowly build up my closet. Maybe that would be a good middle ground? I really suck at those gray areas. Then comes the other hard part though…what one or two things do I get each time? Oh man. Why’s it gotta be so hard 😦 I wish I could take my boyfriend everywhere and he could just tell me what to do, what to get, what to wear. It’d be so much easier.

So yea. 4:11am now, and I’ve been spending the last 6 or so hours trying to figure myself out enough to be able to shop for myself. And I’m still not near confident in what I’ve come up with.

I’m going to get a snack. I should try and sleep at least a little I guess. My boyfriend is coming over at 9:30am to teach me how to do this thing for his business. I’m really excited. He does so much for me and I feel like I do nothing. I like that I’ll be able to do something for him for a chance.

I’m bored. Snack time…no idea what I will do the rest of the night. Blah.

It’s Getting Dark in Here

I just feel crazy right now. Not like in a crazy rage of any kind. I just feel crazy. I’m fully aware that I’m not normal. I wish my delusions would make me think I was normal. Then I’d be happy because I wouldn’t know any better. That would be easier. But instead, I just know. I know all too well that I’m just not like other people, and yea, I’m just crazy. Beautifully Borderline. I only feel the borderline side of things right now.

I’m lost.

I’ve been trying to decipher my emotions today and I just can’t. I don’t know what they are. I can’t name them. I just know I feel things and they don’t really feel good.

It’s pulling me in. I want to stop it.

I have cleaning to do. Maybe I will do that. I like when my house is clean and I melt some smell-good waxes. Yea, I should do that. I want ice cream too. I’m not confident today. I don’t like me. I want to be pretty.

I need clothes. I want to do something with my hair. I should style it more. Maybe that would be prettier. I’d feel better I think. I just have such a hard time waking up in the morning. My hair is really long too so it takes awhile to style. But maybe I could curl it more or something. Or try some different things. I don’t know.

Jeans. I know I need more jeans. Jeans and shoes. Well and shirts too. There’s just so much to pick from and so many different styles and I don’t know which one is right for me. I think maybe if I start shopping by outfit, that would help. I’m not sure.

I wonder what my life will be like. I wonder what’s in my future. I wonder where things will go. I’ve decided I don’t care where I live. There’s this development of beautiful homes and it’s been my dream to live there one day. I don’t care anymore. I guess it’d be nice to own a home but I spend so much of my life trying to work toward these goals. It’s hard and they mostly don’t matter.

I feel too skinny. My boyfriend said I’m just perfect but I don’t feel it. I wish I was thicker. I’m small. I want more shape. I can’t tell what I look like or if its ok. I just see other people and think I’m not acceptable just because I’m me and not them. I can’t be everyone though. I wish I could, but I’m just me. I’m not sure what that means really.

I just want to be pretty.

I’m going to eat ice cream. I’m not sure who I am right now. I think Little Me is around, and I can see Mean Girl. The Bitch. I think that’s a better name for her. The Bitch is lounging back very arrogantly. She’s looking at me. She makes me anxious.

Cheesecake and ice cream. A treat first and then I will clean and melt wax on the wax warmer. I’m scared of the nighttime again. It’s getting darker. I’m not ready.

This isn’t good.

Life as a Doll

So the whole shopping experience today made me think…I feel like a doll. Or I wish I was one. Or more like, I’m a doll without an owner and I need an owner.

Dolls are like people shells. They have the features of a person, but they’re not advanced enough to actually be one. They have no personality of their own. They don’t make decisions of any kind. They are just fake people. Without an owner to give them those pieces that would make up their identity, they are nothing. When they have an owner however, they become the closest to being a person that they will ever be. Their owner gives them their entire identity. The only thing the doll brings to the table is its appearance and functionality. Their owner decides their personality, which comes with a corresponding wardrobe, etc. It all fits inside this identity bubble.

In some ways, I feel like I have been a doll my entire life. I’ve always been directed toward which personality and corresponding wardrobe set I was supposed to have. Given the chaos of my life, I needed a variety of identity bubbles to suit whichever situation I happened to find myself in. I never really got to pick my own and so rather than growing to become a real person, I only managed to become more and more like a doll. An empty fill-able shell of a person in need of a real person to provide her with who she should be.

I’m so frustrated right now. I mean, I wish I could choose those things on my own. I wish I was able to go into Saladworks and easily provide answers to their many questions resulting in a smooth process of choosing a salad that suits my taste. I wish I could go to the mall and casually choose a few items that fit my personality and wardrobe style.

But I just can’t.

I wish someone would claim me and fill up my identity bubble. Tell me how to dress. Choose my personality and teach me how to be whatever it is they wanted because I’m not sure how to do that on my own.

Or, I just wish I could figure out who I was so those things became easier and even enjoyable.

This whole failed shopping trip really fucked with me and now I’m anxious, angry, scattered, discouraged, and feeling very very alone and empty.

Shopping Fail

I tried to go shopping today. For nothing more specific than just knowing I need some clothes and god I need more shoes. It’s really a need. I don’t have much.

I went to the mall alone, as in, without  my kids. That never happens. I thought it was nice but it wasn’t. I really hate being alone and I really don’t like being out in public alone. I was alone all night. Both of the kids were gone. It was awful. I was anxious, paranoid, bored, and really scared at night to go to bed in the dark by myself. So pathetic.

Here’s the real problem though. I suck at shopping. Yes, I suck at it. How does one suck at shopping? I’m glad you asked. Because in order to purchase clothing for someone, you have to really know the person you’re buying them for. We all know this. We all experience this at Christmas time. There’s people you may “need” to get gifts for but you don’t know them well enough to be able to pick something out for them. What a dilemma. Will they like it? Is it really “them”?

I DON’T KNOW WHO I’M BUYING THESE CLOTHES FOR. I mean, my style just varies depending on what personality I am at any given moment, and when I go shopping, it’s like all of my personality versions emerge all at the same time. I could come home with absolutely anything. I could buy stuff a goth person would wear, and also have a conservative cute little blazer…both for “me”. I HATE THAT. My closet is full of random pieces of clothing that mostly all have nothing to do with any of the other pieces of clothing. I don’t know which personality to buy clothing for. I don’t know who I am!!! I can hardly tell what I like. I mean, everything I look at that I think maybe I do like it, it’s like it filters through all of these thought processes to figure out if I really do like it or not and if I should buy it…it becomes such a stressful mental experience, that I end up not feeling confident in buying the item and I leave it to move on to the next. Eventually, I’ve wasted SO much time and with each failed attempt, I get angrier and angrier and full of self loathe. Now I’m exhausted.

And this moves me into my next post…

 

 

Preparing for the Prescription

So I’ve decided that I am going to be fully prepared for when I go to the doctor to get meds. I already know SSRI’s are out, and I know (from my research), that there are three classes of meds that are helpful with the symptoms that I experience (and that are associated with BPD): Antipsychotics, Mood Stabilizers, and a few Antieonvulsants that they’ve found have worked for stabilizing moods.

I’m collecting a list of each medication in each class (because each class of meds helps with a different set of symptoms…I’m prepared to hear that I may need to start more than one medication), and I’ve made a list of my symptoms. I’m going to research each medication and find out its common side effects (I’m really set against not gaining a bunch of weight just to feel better, because that will make me feel worse), and decide which meds I definitely don’t want, etc. Regardless, my goal is to know these medications so when he tells me what he is thinking he may put me on, I will be knowledgeable and will know what I’m getting into and can maybe even discuss the options rather than just taking whatever he gives me and calling it a day. I want to make an educated decision.

So that’s my homework for this weekend. I’ve already got it started.

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Update: I’ve already decided this is a really bad idea and I’m not going to do it. I’m freaking myself out with all the crap I’m reading. I think I’ll just tell the doctor my concern with the weight gain type meds, and let him direct me from there. Case closed!