As a borderline, do you ever get this feeling?
It goes something like this I think…
You’re doing something with someone, or a group of someones. People that you know in a place that you’re familiar with. Something triggers you and you start to get stuck in your head. The world starts its transformation from a good safe place to be, with loved ones around you, to a complete dark hell where everyone is out to hurt you.
Still stuck in your head but slightly more aware of your surroundings, you look around, and all you can feel is “Where am I and who are you?” It’s not a literal sense of not knowing where you are or who these people are that are with you. It’s not a complete amnesia type of forgetfulness. More of an emotional disconnect. A shift in your brain that makes everything look and feel different. These people who were safe to be with just moments ago, you are now no longer sure of. You become uncertain and speculative or their actual safety, their intentions and motives. Are they really the people you care for and that you thought cared for you? And this place…you know you’ve been there before. You know where it is and what its called, but is it really a safe place? Is this really where you should be?
Sometimes, or often, this happens to me, and I just look around and feel very unsure. Like, “I thought you were safe to be with but now I’m not so sure. Maybe I was just being vulnerable or gullible. You may be out to get me. You may want to hurt me just like all the others. Why wouldn’t you? I should get away from you and out of this place.”
What a world. Good and evil and I’m stuck in between, in a zone where the worlds just shift around me however and whenever they wish, causing constant confusion, pushing and pulling. Can you imagine living that way? Where at any moment your surroundings can go from safe and secure to unsafe? A place you want to be with people you love, to a place you feel you need to escape and people that only want to hurt you? Yet you know its the people that supposedly love you…so how and why do they want to hurt you? Feelings. It’s just feelings. Feelings aren’t facts but they feel so real and I’ve no idea where to draw the line. For the sake of self-protection I disregard drawing a line at all and go with these “feelings” because getting hurt is too scary. I only want to feel safe again.
It never ends and I’m afraid it never will.