I detach because I don’t want to feel the overwhelming feelings that are waiting for me upon my return to being real again. I just read a friend’s post about this and it really got me thinking. Currently I am very detached. I have different types and levels of detachment. It depends on what is needed. Currently I need to be detached but I also need to be attached. This can be tricky but I’ve unfortunately mastered ‘detachment’. I have 20-something years of practice. So, I become someone else. I detach from the things that are causing me hurt, and I take on a ‘new person’. I become the person I need to be in order to fulfill the tasks at hand.
To elaborate, I just started that new position at work. I need to speak to clients which requires that I’m confident with what I’m doing and have a good personality to build relationships with these business owners. I can’t be numb for that. So, I take on this confident persona. It’s just another costume in my mental toybox. “The confident professional adult”. Everything else has been put away. I’m not sure for how long, but for now it’s all I’ve got.
Work is going well. I’m ready to start working. I’ve been drinking more, which I don’t necessarily like but its been getting me through my evenings it sort of helps me get about 2 hours of solid sleep in. I’m all out though so I may need to make a liquor store run tomorrow.
I called the two therapists office yesterday and didn’t really get anywhere other than eliminating one of them. The receptionist was sort of bitchy. I stuck with the call, however, until she gave me the info which basically said, “Sorry, we can’t help you”. So there’s one place left to try. Actually, one place and one therapist. He just looks creepy in his picture online but maybe I should not be judgmental. I’m going to try this clinic once more and if it doesn’t work out, I will try the other local guy.
Fingers crossed. At the risk of sounding like a med-head, I need medication. I need something. I need something to help me sleep so I can be passed out on meds verses being awake and causing damage and text-arguing for “no reason” at 2am. I need anxiety meds for the moments that result in panic attacks. And maybe I need some mood stabilizers. I’ve read a lot of good about Tegretol. TEGRETOL…anyone have experience??? I’m against anti-depressants. I’ve tried enough to know they don’t work for me. Depression isn’t my problem.
Anyway, I’m blabbing. Bye for now.