First let’s start with therapists. Why is it so hard to find one? I’m finding that overall not many in my area even accept my insurance. I’ve given up on the limited search of trying to find therapists who are listed as offering DBT or having experience with BPD, and decided to just contact every single one I find that is local and takes my insurance, to see if they can help. I’m getting very discouraged. This shouldn’t be so hard. Which leads me into my next thought.
So I was thinking yesterday about how God says that he doesn’t give anyone more than they can handle. Then why do people commit suicide? Obviously those people had more than they could handle. I mean, it’s not like they’re sitting there with a bunch of resources at hand, shrug their shoulders and say, “Eh, I don’t feel like doing those things. I’m just going to kill myself.” I mean, no way. I know what it feels like and it looks nothing like that. Some people have exhausted all of their options. Are trying every avenue they can possibly think of and keeping running into brick wall after brick wall. The internal torment because so much that they are left with no other choice. I’m not sure I want comments on this one if you’re going to play Devil’s advocate. Call me borderline, but I don’t think I could handle people debating this topic with me. This is how I feel, because I’m in it.
Anyway, voices. Let’s get to that. I was thinking this through this morning before I got out of bed. I hear a few voices in my head. ALL the time. So I did some quick research on BPD and voices in the head. It’s a common trend. I was thinking then about medications etc that therapists prescribe. I talked about this the other day but will reiterate. I’m really tired of being given anti-depressants. Did these “doctors” never go to school?? Depression isn’t my problem. Depression is a symptom of my disorder. It’s very secondary. I don’t have a general sadness. I’m not walking under a dark cloud that seems to follow me everywhere. I’m the fucking tornado that destroys everything, and the sadness is a result of what I go through every fucking second of every fucking day. Anti-depressants do absolutely nothing for me other than give me some really crappy side effects which only make me even more sad. Anti-depressants don’t shut up the battling voices in my head. They don’t stop my mood swings or rage or lessen the intensity of the many triggers that hit me each day.
The voices. There’s a couple of them. I haven’t really given this tons of thought because it’s so “normal” to me, but I think I may start paying more attention to them just to identify each one. I just know there are a couple. I feel like they are all me, but there’s one in particular that I am not sure about. Again, I have to do some more observing but anyway. There’s one, I guess the one I attribute to my BPD, the one I guess that I label as my BPD. It feels like its another thing, not really me. It’s hard to explain. It’s the one that bullies me constantly. Replays all the videos in my head that drive me to insanity and lead me to suicide and self-harm. I can’t control that one. I can’t shut it up. It talks and talks and talks and enjoys hurting me. It’s uncontrollable, out of control, and I think it’s goal is to make me die. It’s evil. I fight this one often, but it’s so powerful and I usually don’t win. Once this one gets going, and it goes often, all the others get louder and louder and it becomes this crazy group argument in my head. It’s so loud and it all always happens so chaotically and so fast that I hardly ever have a chance to not only notice what’s going on but to do anything about it. No wonder I’m always exhausted.
Speaking of being exhausted, yesterday I was actually hoping I’d get sick just so I can get some good sleep. You know when you’re sick, the kind of tired you get and how you just sleep and sleep? I haven’t had good sleep in such a long time, or have even felt a real kind of sleepiness that comes with that bodily feeling of being calm and restful, that I really just wish I’d get sick for a couple of days so I can be calm and sleep well.
That’s all for now.