Master of Messes

I made a mess of life last night. Or maybe something just went wrong. No, I definitely took an ordinary misunderstanding and ran with it the whole way to destruction. I tried to “open up” about how I was feeling in a moment. My intent was to express what I was feeling, because I could tell it was going to lead to an episode, in hopes of him possibly helping me through the thought to correct any distortion I had, etc. Well I guess the way that I said it, came out very wrong and he thought I was being mean, and then it escalated. Because I wasn’t being mean, I was very confused and hurt by his reaction/response, that I lost it. I self-harmed a little…I’m not happy about it…that was one of two rules my boyfriend gave me and I broke it 😦 It’s been bugging me all day. I don’t even remember if I promised him I wouldn’t do it, or if I said “I can’t promise I won’t but I can promise to try my hardest.” I think I usually try to say the latter, but I don’t remember. Not like it matters. I did it and I shouldn’t have. It’s not bad at all. My weapon of choice was very dull. I threw it away this morning. I know it was bad to do…but at the same time I know that I tried my hardest in the moment. In fact, I wanted to do way worse, so in a way, I did well at not doing worse, but it was still bad I know. On the up side, it helped. It calmed me down enough that I was able to lay in bed and just cry myself to sleep, which is exactly what I needed. I didn’t sleep too well but it was way better than being awake stuck in a psychotic episode.

Fast forward to later on in the day. I called the therapist and was able to get an appointment already for next Monday. I’m way nervous. I don’t know how I feel about him. I guess I shouldn’t even try to figure it out yet. I mean, I only exchanged one email and had one telephone conversation with him. But it’s already on Monday. I’m nervous. My boyfriend goes away this weekend. He comes home Monday. I don’t know if he will be home by then. I just, I don’t know. I wish I knew where he’d be. What if it’s not ok? What if the appointment doesn’t go well? Or what if it does? Like, what if it’s productive which would mean I’m all sorts of emotional and stuff. I wonder if he will be home. I wonder what will happen in the appointment. I’m so disgustingly dependent on my boyfriend. I wish I wasn’t. He probably hates it. It must be so annoying. I try to not be but I seem to only have two settings: independent heartless bitch, or dependent stuck like glue child. Shrug.

Well that was my day. My boyfriend is coming over tonight. I’m happy. I miss him. Goodnight.

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2 thoughts on “Master of Messes

  1. “I can’t promise I won’t but I can promise to try my hardest.”
    That’s all anyone can expect of you.
    Sometimes that’s all you can ask of yourself.
    You should never have to apologize for your feelings.
    Took me quite a while to – I don’t know – “accept” the fact that Liz would self-harm every now and then. I finally got to the point that while I couldn’t understand doing something like that at least I could comprehend why it worked for her.
    My main concern then shifted to that over what could happen if she was just a bit careless. Suggested that if she had to cut, keep it where a) there was a lot more flesh than one usually has around their wrists, and b) I couldn’t see it. It wasn’t a matter of “out of sight, out of mind” for me, just that it still made me uncomfortable and if it was something she sort of somehow needed to do every now and then? Please don’t throw it in my face.
    In ways, it was very much like me trying not to expose her to some things that I might do that could be a trigger for her as harmless and innocuous as it might truly be.

    And if your appointment is on Monday, wait till then to figure out what you need to say and how to say it.
    You get it all set in your mind now or tomorrow or Thursday…
    that won’t be Monday and things might be entirely different by then.

    But you’re a step further on your way, sweetheart.
    This is good.

  2. Oh hun, I understand where you are coming from. It’s hard to express what we are feeling, especially when it ends up not going well.

    I have a lot of the same worries/fears about how attached I am to my boyfriend – I always think I must be annoying him. But here’s the thing: if we were annoying them, they wouldn’t still be around. And if it ever comes to the point where they feel annoyed, that’s on them. As long as we do our best to take care of ourselves and be productive/communicative in the relationship, we shouldn’t blame ourselves.

    I completely empathize with the two settings – I go from the glue child to isolation machine. Though, I think I’m finally developing a sort of middle mode.

    Keep your chin up, you’ll be okay!

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