I made a mess of life last night. Or maybe something just went wrong. No, I definitely took an ordinary misunderstanding and ran with it the whole way to destruction. I tried to “open up” about how I was feeling in a moment. My intent was to express what I was feeling, because I could tell it was going to lead to an episode, in hopes of him possibly helping me through the thought to correct any distortion I had, etc. Well I guess the way that I said it, came out very wrong and he thought I was being mean, and then it escalated. Because I wasn’t being mean, I was very confused and hurt by his reaction/response, that I lost it. I self-harmed a little…I’m not happy about it…that was one of two rules my boyfriend gave me and I broke it 😦 It’s been bugging me all day. I don’t even remember if I promised him I wouldn’t do it, or if I said “I can’t promise I won’t but I can promise to try my hardest.” I think I usually try to say the latter, but I don’t remember. Not like it matters. I did it and I shouldn’t have. It’s not bad at all. My weapon of choice was very dull. I threw it away this morning. I know it was bad to do…but at the same time I know that I tried my hardest in the moment. In fact, I wanted to do way worse, so in a way, I did well at not doing worse, but it was still bad I know. On the up side, it helped. It calmed me down enough that I was able to lay in bed and just cry myself to sleep, which is exactly what I needed. I didn’t sleep too well but it was way better than being awake stuck in a psychotic episode.
Fast forward to later on in the day. I called the therapist and was able to get an appointment already for next Monday. I’m way nervous. I don’t know how I feel about him. I guess I shouldn’t even try to figure it out yet. I mean, I only exchanged one email and had one telephone conversation with him. But it’s already on Monday. I’m nervous. My boyfriend goes away this weekend. He comes home Monday. I don’t know if he will be home by then. I just, I don’t know. I wish I knew where he’d be. What if it’s not ok? What if the appointment doesn’t go well? Or what if it does? Like, what if it’s productive which would mean I’m all sorts of emotional and stuff. I wonder if he will be home. I wonder what will happen in the appointment. I’m so disgustingly dependent on my boyfriend. I wish I wasn’t. He probably hates it. It must be so annoying. I try to not be but I seem to only have two settings: independent heartless bitch, or dependent stuck like glue child. Shrug.
Well that was my day. My boyfriend is coming over tonight. I’m happy. I miss him. Goodnight.