I feel very down today. Very self-loathing. When I look in the mirror, I see nothing but “wrong”. I see all of the things I wish I could change about me. I see this person that I just wish I could get out of or away from. My boyfriend is away this weekend. Everybody is getting on my nerves. I think mostly because everyone else seems to just go through life like its nothing and I just feel so different. Why can’t I just go through life like they do? Why does worry consume me? Why does my brain never stop thinking about things the way that it does? Why do I feel so much more afraid and needy than what everyone else seems to be? I feel like I’m constantly trying to be 10 steps ahead of life because I have to prepare myself or I just won’t make it. I don’t think I like surprises. I’m still struggling with this little girl in me. I’ve been noticing more of my thoughts and I think one of the biggest things that triggers me, is when people treat me like an adult when I’m not wearing that mask at that very moment. I don’t like talking about this. Well not right now I don’t. It’s hard for me to let my guard down. VERY hard. Really, I mostly never do. Not even with my family. Especially not with my family. I learned long ago that they can’t be trusted with me. So when/if I do let my guard down with very specific people, it’s a big deal. BIG. Sadly, they think I’m an adult and so they respond to me like I am one…and that hurts so badly. Leaves me with the whole “abandoned child” feeling.I fantasize a lot. I play pretend in my mind because it’s the only way I can get those needs met. I imagine getting what it is that I need. I imagine getting it and how that would feel. I feel like it would just make me all better. Maybe if I would have gotten those things from the beginning, when they were supposed to happen, I wouldn’t be like I am now. I think it’s too late which pretty much means I’ll be like this forever. Or I’ll be defective forever. I’m gloomy. It’s rainy outside and it’s cold. Fall cold. I don’t like this seasonal change so maybe this is all coming from that. I wish the sun was out. I think I’m hungry but I can’t quite tell. It’s a snuggle panda on the couch kind of day. My boyfriend left his hat here and I’ve been sleeping with it, it lays on the pillow next to me. I like it. I have therapy on Monday with the new therapist. That’s it.