Borderline Babble

I feel very down today. Very self-loathing. When I look in the mirror, I see nothing but “wrong”. I see all of the things I wish I could change about me. I see this person that I just wish I could get out of or away from. My boyfriend is away this weekend. Everybody is getting on my nerves. I think mostly because everyone else seems to just go through life like its nothing and I just feel so different. Why can’t I just go through life like they do? Why does worry consume me? Why does my brain never stop thinking about things the way that it does? Why do I feel so much more afraid and needy than what everyone else seems to be? I feel like I’m constantly trying to be 10 steps ahead of life because I have to prepare myself or I just won’t make it. I don’t think I like surprises. I’m still struggling with this little girl in me. I’ve been noticing more of my thoughts and I think one of the biggest things that triggers me, is when people treat me like an adult when I’m not wearing that mask at that very moment. I don’t like talking about this. Well not right now I don’t. It’s hard for me to let my guard down. VERY hard. Really, I mostly never do. Not even with my family. Especially not with my family. I learned long ago that they can’t be trusted with me. So when/if I do let my guard down with very specific people, it’s a big deal. BIG. Sadly, they think I’m an adult and so they respond to me like I am one…and that hurts so badly. Leaves me with the whole “abandoned child” feeling.I fantasize a lot. I play pretend in my mind because it’s the only way I can get those needs met. I imagine getting what it is that I need. I imagine getting it and how that would feel. I feel like it would just make me all better. Maybe if I would have gotten those things from the beginning, when they were supposed to happen, I wouldn’t be like I am now. I think it’s too late which pretty much means I’ll be like this forever. Or I’ll be defective forever. I’m gloomy. It’s rainy outside and it’s cold. Fall cold. I don’t like this seasonal change so maybe this is all coming from that. I wish the sun was out. I think I’m hungry but I can’t quite tell. It’s a snuggle panda on the couch kind of day. My boyfriend left his hat here and I’ve been sleeping with it, it lays on the pillow next to me. I like it. I have therapy on Monday with the new therapist. That’s it.

2 thoughts on “Borderline Babble

  1. A few things you got me thinking about, might as well share them, see if my thoughts do you any good.
    “… everyone else seems to just go through life like its nothing ….” Maybe they just look at Life as if it’s nothing. Maybe that’s all they’re getting out of it. Maybe they expect too much out of it and never find satisfaction in the simplest of things. I pity them. Maybe they’re at the point where they can just “call in” their jobs or even their relationships and they have nothing to genuinely keep them going or caring.
    Then there’s “want” and “need”, or more precisely “want” OR “need” and the big difference between them. Nobody but nobody truly needs a Mercedes S-Class and if someone tells you they really do – give them your appointment on Monday ’cause they need help. They need help more than they want the Mercedes. It’s a fucking car. Just like the ’81 Toyota I’m driving: four wheels, a brake pedal, steers in the direction you want it to… gets you where you’re going, and the rest is just window dressing. If they can afford the frills and fancies, all the more power to them, but they have nothing more of what they need than I do.
    And they can’t make the distinction… meaning to say they will never even realize it when they have what they need.
    And a lot of them are so wrapped up in having what they want that they miss out on making sure they have what they need.
    I really think that’s what messes up most relationships. I can’t honestly say I married the exact woman I wanted, but pushing forty years later I’m still married to the one I still truly need.

    “I learned long ago that ….”
    Some things you’re taught, some you learn.
    I taught our son how to throw a killer change-up. Thing would be heading right down the center of the plate, right to the heart of the strike zone, and about six inches after the batter committed to swinging – the bottom would drop out of it. I taught him that pitch.
    With lots of time spent on the pitcher’s mound, in time he learned how to use it. When to throw it. How to set it up, how to bait a batter. When to take it inside, when to leave it on the outside part of the plate. Could consistently strike out a batter swinging at a pitch in the dirt, a batter leaving his bat on his shoulder on a pitch that ended up in the heart of the strike zone. He learned that on his own working with what I had taught him and his own innate perception of a given situation.
    I’ve read your stuff. A lot of us have. We know what you were taught, and it seems your folks were very… uhhhh… proficient (?) at some of the disturbing things they taught you. They taught you what they wanted you to think, but you learned how to respond to it on your own.
    Maybe you just have to rethink what you’ve learned from it all. With some of it (trust, comfort, nurturing), there’s not a whole bunch of different ways to look at it. Someone fucked up.
    You wouldn’t have made it this far and be thinking the things you’re thinking, feeling the things you’re feeling, if you had learned only whatever disturbing shit it was they wanted to teach you.
    “Maybe if I would have gotten those things from the beginning, when they were supposed to happen, I wouldn’t be like I am now.”
    That one thought should tell you… it’s not you.
    Susan’s right. It’s never too late.
    Rely and trust the things you’ve learned.
    You can’t always do that with what you’ve been taught.

    There are a whole bunch of people out there who wish they had your strength and insight.
    Wish you had the faith in yourself that you truly deserve.

    And that thing with your boyfriend’s hat?
    I still have our grandson’s first receiving blanket in a drawer in my nightstand.
    Just in case….
    I mean, a panda for a sixty-three year old man would be so ridiculous no matter how substantially it might help.
    Then again….

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