BPD at bay

Wow. What a day. I was busy at work today, yay! I’m excited to be busy enough that I start working overtime.

But let me get right to the good stuff. MY BOYFRIEND CAME HOME TODAY! AND I WAS OK! I was really nervous. Nervous about him coming back. Nervous that I wouldn’t be ok. Nervous about my therapy appointment. Blah blah blah. But he came home and I was really ok!!!!!!! It was so good to see him. It felt like forever. He was not only on time, but he was a little early! So he took me to my appointment. God, I’m so glad he was there. I would have been a nervous wreck and honestly may not have went inside the building if he wasn’t there. It was sort of hard to find and when we did find it, it looked and felt like a house and there was this person in the waiting room just playing on her phone and it was just overwhelming for me. It felt better knowing he was right there in the waiting room.

The appointment. It went really well. I think it’s going to work out well. He was very real. You know? He was one of those therapists that felt like a real person. Not like a therapist…at least not like one that you feel you can’t be completely open and honest with. Like, I could say anything and he wouldn’t flinch. I talked about some things that I usually don’t tell my therapists…at least not so openly. I was a little afraid to be honest. Afraid that he was going to commit me right there on the spot, but he didn’t. It felt good to tell someone those things. The details about the suicidal mindsets and thoughts that I get. The self-harm.

There was one thing that I wasn’t sure about and, well I don’t know. In a way I think it’s good and in a way I felt like I needed to grab him by the shirt and scream it in his face to be sure he understood. He said he doesn’t like to put too much focus on the actual diagnosis. The label. He isn’t there to treat the diagnosis, he is there to treat the person. I guess its good because he is trying to distinguish the self from the label, because it’s easy to feel like you ARE your diagnosis. That’s well and good, but I sort of felt like, “But we’re talking about BPD here. It’s like, the AIDS of mental health. The Satan of evils. It’s the thing that is going to kill me and that feels like so far it is winning and I don’t have much time left. DON’T YOU GET IT!?” So I don’t know. But he said he’s worked with it a lot and he seems like he knows what he’s doing…so maybe I’ll just go with his flow.

He asked me about medication. Maybe it was just so he could fill out my history stuff, but hopefully it was so we could go that route as well to see if it can’t help at all while we go through therapy. He did tell me he could help with that. I’m nervous. I’m excited. I still have to pay a pretty penny every month but now it’s for a session a week instead of one session a month, and its only because insurance these days royally sucks and hardly covers the time it takes to sign in at an appointment, let alone the actual session.

Anyway, he is willing to be flexible with me on the payments which is great. He said even if I can’t pay one week, don’t worry about it and still come to the appointment because that’s more important.

And exhale. If I were talking all this right now I feel like I wouldn’t have taken a breath at all through that whole thing. I’m going a mile a minute right now.

Oh yea…then when we got into the car, my boyfriend and I, it happened again. The same trigger that’s gotten me before. The thing I bring up in my blogs but say that I can’t talk about. The thing I don’t talk to him about but told him recently that I needed to but in person. Well it happened and it turns out it was a good thing it did because I said something…and I guess I’ve been wrong about it this whole time. I hope he is telling the truth. I think he is because I don’t think he is really the lying type. He’s always been pretty honest with me and I know because he’s told me things that weren’t the greatest truths but he told me because he was being honest. Anyway. I feel better about that and a bit sad because it’s ruined some great moments, especially like the night he surprised me and came over just the other night. I hope he tries that surprise again in the future. It was the best ever and I ruined it.

Well that was my day. Good stuff. Exciting stuff. No episodes really just that very mini trigger in the car that we quickly got over. Yay. I hope tomorrow is ok. I want to be ok. It’s really all I want. Is to be better.

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