I feel like the only two things that have the power to beat “IT”, is self-harm and crying. Self-harm works the best but also feeds it more power moving forward.
When I self-harm, I can feel a physical sensation of pain leaving my body. It’s like I’m killing it a little. It backs down. It surrenders and hides back in the shadows. Self-harm saves me. It saves me from it. It saves me from suicide. What’s a couple of cuts when the alternative that is being dangled in front of my eyes is death that brings with it a promise of no more pain. The first cut halts every single emotion that is currently ganging up on me. Everything inside me freezes. My previously rapidly racing mind suddenly is able to focus on just one thing. The connection of the blade to my skin. The realization that suddenly I’m a match for it. At least until next time. A couple more lines and it’s gone. No more panic. No more pacing. No more worry. No more fear. It’s like scaring away a monster.
Crying. Self-harm is a trade in for the session of tears that bring with it panic attacks and a war against death. However, I know that when the tears hit, I’m closer to the end. If I can just get through that last part of it, that war, I will be in the clear again. Until next time. Crying makes me real. It tries so hard to detach me from everything. From everyone. But crying is real. Crying is a connection to real emotions felt by real people. I’m real then. It fights me hardest when I cry. So far I’ve made it, but each time it happens I’m a little more unsure that I will make it.
That scares me.
This period of crying and/or self-harming, cutting my skin, is like it removes the cover-up. The mask. The facade. And it exposes me for what I am, an innocent broken child that just scared the monster away from under the bed and can now rest. I am me. I think I am the most me right after those intense moments of tears and blood. It’s like a breakthrough. For at least a little, I’ve beat it. I’ve killed it. There’s this peace. This sense of calm that follows such intensity. It’s quiet. I’m quiet. Inside. It’s like silence in HD, if there were such a thing.
I wish one of these times it would stay dead forever, but somehow it resurrects every single time. One of these times one of us will officially win.