It’s voice **TRIGGER WARNING**

I watch you. I scrutinize everything about you. The way you walk. The way you breathe. The facial expressions you make. The subtle changes no one else would ever notice. I notice them. The way your eyebrows shift, or raise, or narrow. The tightness of your lips at any given moment. Did I just say something wrong? Did I do something? Did I not do something that I was supposed to do? Did I miss a sign, a signal, an entry of some sort? Then suddenly I know what you’re thinking. It must be about me. You simply don’t like me and sitting next to you now, you are reminded of that dislike. You try to hide it but you can’t, because I’m watching you.

And when you talk to me, I take your words. One by one. My brain is like a computer, taking each item its fed and analyzing it to its core. Picking it apart one character at a time to make sense of it. Except its overfed with information and all it can do is disperse item after item into a list of possible meanings, intentions, and interpretations; none of them good. This computer, my brain, is indestructible save for permanent death. No matter how much its overloaded or how many infections it incurs, it keeps going. It keeps running. Faster. Harder. As if its trying to crash itself into oblivion because even it can’t keep up with itself or the constant infectious negativity it creates. It’s defective. There’s no cure. It only worsens.

Kill me, it says. End it, it begs. I’m going to keep torturing you until you do it. I make you worthless and yet you are nothing without me. You need me but I will only kill you. You’re detached from me yet you can’t get away. You don’t want to hurt anymore and so you hurt yourself to relieve the pain I cause you. One cut. Two cuts. Just on the surface to find your relief. Three cuts. Four cuts. A little deeper now because I hurt you better this time. Worse than last time. I’m getting stronger and you’re so weak. You can’t last too much longer. Kill me. I can’t live without you and you can’t live without me. You can’t and you don’t know how but you aren’t even living now. You’re hardly surviving. I’m all you have. I’m too much but not enough. I’m overwhelming. I’m sparse. Who are you without me?

I am you.

You are no one.

I enjoy hurting you. He’s nice to you. You think he is. He is but does he mean it? He’s nice because he wants to hurt you too. They all do. Don’t trust those smiles. They’re my friends. They’re on my side. You have no side. Kill me. Don’t get too excited at what you think is good. It’s all part of the plan. Smile. It hurts more to fall from higher up. I will push you. Climb higher. I want to watch you fall. Drown. He loves you? Don’t be fooled. You know better than that. He can’t but if he did maybe he could take me on. If he loved you he would hurt you. Hurt for relief; you know the deal. If he loved you he’d give you relief. Kill me. I dare you. Can you stand this much longer? It’s been so long. They won’t care. Their smiles will continue but then they’ll be real. You won’t have to hurt anymore. The ultimate pain for the infinite relief. That’s the trade. It’s tempting. You can’t go without me. If you go, I go.

You hate me.

Just do it.

We’ll go together.

I’m your only friend.

I’ve never left you.

You can’t trust anyone.

Just me.

I am you.

You are nothing.

We are nothing.

Kill me.

I’m already dead.

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6 thoughts on “It’s voice **TRIGGER WARNING**

  1. Wow, this is amazing! There is always a part of my brain that wants to die, and it waits for little things to go wrong then seizes on them to try to persuade me. It does feel quite a bit like this. But often with a lot of, “You’re a burden for other people. You’re making other people’s lives worse.”

    1. Oh I get that too. That’s like the underlying root message to all of the noise in my head. And like you said it’s like it’s always on the lookout for the next thing it can pounce on and twist in my mind to use as a weapon to destroy me.

  2. Not sure if this fits in here, but I’m gonna give it a try:
    my first year in college I joined a Theatre Ensemble group in which we were trained not only to play a given part as an individual, but to be highly aware of their place within the group dynamic. We used to do a lot of exercises to keep ourselves in tune with not only our own character but with all the others.
    One exercise we would do involved taking a line of dialogue and trying to give it as many different readings or meanings as we possibly could, and the easiest way to do that was to put the emphasis on a different word each time.
    “You want me to buy some tickets to your child’s piano recital?”
    Simple enough.
    “YOU want me to buy some tickets to your child’s piano recital?”
    “You WANT me to buy some tickets…?”
    “You want ME to buy some tickets…?”
    “You want me to BUY some tickets…?”
    “You want me to buy SOME tickets…?”
    Five interpretations in the first six words.
    Then we would explain the thoughts and the emotions we were trying to get across.
    THEN we would explain how we would deliver the line to a whole bunch of the other characters in the play.

    I often sensed Liz – in the midst of one of her prolonged bouts – kind of listening somewhat like that.
    It was the BPD, of this I have no doubt, that picked out one particular word in what I would say that could entirely change the meaning of what I had said. It was like Liz had no conscious part in the decision, but all of a sudden she had just decided what I meant, quite possibly because of the choice of one inconsequential choice of words …
    … and even the most innocent, innocuous statement became a Declaration of War.
    And she did that with lots of people, people who I had heard make the statement in question.
    Liz would say it was intuition.
    In hindsight, she would come to realize it was all a matter of perception and that her perception was not always what she gave herself credit for.

    And I do that too. To a lesser degree.
    Hell, we all do it.
    We just need to be aware of when it throws us off the track.

    1. Yes. It’s just like that. One word. One small thing would be magnified in my brain and it will start going thru all the possible meanings. Each one worse than the one before and I can’t stop it help it or control it

  3. There’s stopping it, there’s helping it, controlling it…
    … and then there’s managing it.
    It’s like me with my Depression. We have a mutual agreement: I know I can’t entirely smother it, and it doesn’t try to suck the life breath out of me in return. I need to let it out to play every now and then.
    It’s like a really bratty, obnoxious two- or three-year old: you can only keep them in Time Out for so long before they come haul-assing out of the corner and run right up your chest like some meth freak Offensive Lineman and get right in your face.
    And I’ll call it on that. Once the intensity has finally died down, I’ll let it know in no uncertain terms that it wasn’t right. I’ll call it on its actions and motivations.
    Just leave me the fuck alone for the time being and quit trying to butt in on everything I have going for me.
    See you when I see you.
    I find it comforting (even just in the back of my mind) to know that I’ve made it through a demonic spell that only lasted so long and came out after it a bit stronger, a bit wiser. A few more bruises, but hey… they fade.
    Trying to do that now, as a matter of fact. Been trying to close to two months, and it’s been harder than ever before. It’s been bad, really bad at times but I still see a light at the end of the tunnel.
    Might be a cow-catcher under that light, but until I know that for sure I’m not gonna give it much mind. Might catch me off guard, but that ain’t the same thing as unprepared.

    And, by the way…

    A bit early, I think, but just in case I forget between now and then: Happy Birthday sweetheart.
    It’s been an interesting collection of posts you’ve put out there over the time, and it hasn’t been getting any easier, but you know what?
    When the stakes are higher, even a partial victory can mean more than a total victory would have meant earlier.
    Sometimes I worry about you more than other times, but it’s hard to give up hope.
    Have faith in yourself and in the new year dawning.

    Pops

    1. I’m really not ok today. I’m trying so hard to “ride the wave” as they say but it’s so hard. My body wants to freak out. The lungs want to scream. It’s like a natural and necessary chain reaction that im.trying to interrupt and it’s killing me.

      Sent via the Samsung GALAXY S®4, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphone

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