I wanted to go to bed early. All day my eyes were burning red and I couldn’t stop yawning. Just like always, here it is, my opportunity to go to sleep, and it won’t let me sleep. I feel so defeated and I’m so angry with it. I just want it to leave me alone. I can’t take it anymore. I am the closest I’ve ever been to giving up and there’s not even much more I can do about that, than what I’m doing. Ok so I have a therapist. I don’t see him again until Monday and therapy is such a slow process. My insides are screaming for help and no one hears me. No one seems to notice or understand just how bad it is.
“She’ll get over it.”
“It’ll pass and she’ll be fine again.”
“It’s just another phase.”
The day is coming that they’ll all realize it wasn’t just another phase. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on. I pray at night that I won’t wake up, or that God will just take me soon in some natural disaster type of way. I am absolutely worthless. I’m so tired of crying alone. I’m so fucking tired of everything. I’m just so fucking tired.
I had to cancel EMDR because I can’t fucking afford it. I feel like I’m destined to not get better. There are too many road blocks and I don’t have much time left. I should be in the hospital. I know it, but that’s not even possible. A) I couldn’t afford that, B) I’m the only one holding things down out here. There’s no one to take over. It’s just me. So the hospital isn’t an option yet it’s probably just what I need. Get me medicated. I don’t even care if I’m a medicated type of numb. I’ll take it. I just can’t do this anymore. No one understands. Being numb would be about a thousand steps up from where I am right now.
I don’t have any blades left which makes me feel panicked. I know I shouldn’t do that but I need something and I have NOTHING. I don’t know why I pray. It’s like talking to a wall. When I wake up in the morning it’s a disappointment. The noise in my head is so loud and its spreading. I can feel it, when it spreads in my whole body. It’s physically harder to breathe. I feel like I’m no longer in control of myself. It takes over. I wish it would just kill me already. I know its what it wants.
I don’t understand the world. I don’t get why I’m here. It just makes no sense to me. I just think it’s all stupid. The world. Living. The things we do. It’s all stupid. Small and stupid.
I want off the ride.