Let me off

I wanted to go to bed early. All day my eyes were burning red and I couldn’t stop yawning. Just like always, here it is, my opportunity to go to sleep, and it won’t let me sleep. I feel so defeated and I’m so angry with it. I just want it to leave me alone. I can’t take it anymore. I am the closest I’ve ever been to giving up and there’s not even much more I can do about that, than what I’m doing. Ok so I have a therapist. I don’t see him again until Monday and therapy is such a slow process. My insides are screaming for help and no one hears me. No one seems to notice or understand just how bad it is.

“She’ll get over it.”

“It’ll pass and she’ll be fine again.”

“It’s just another phase.”

The day is coming that they’ll all realize it wasn’t just another phase. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on. I pray at night that I won’t wake up, or that God will just take me soon in some natural disaster type of way. I am absolutely worthless. I’m so tired of crying alone. I’m so fucking tired of everything. I’m just so fucking tired.

I had to cancel EMDR because I can’t fucking afford it. I feel like I’m destined to not get better. There are too many road blocks and I don’t have much time left. I should be in the hospital. I know it, but that’s not even possible. A) I couldn’t afford that, B) I’m the only one holding things down out here. There’s no one to take over. It’s just me. So the hospital isn’t an option yet it’s probably just what I need. Get me medicated. I don’t even care if I’m a medicated type of numb. I’ll take it. I just can’t do this anymore. No one understands. Being numb would be about a thousand steps up from where I am right now.

I don’t have any blades left which makes me feel panicked. I know I shouldn’t do that but I need something and I have NOTHING. I don’t know why I pray. It’s like talking to a wall. When I wake up in the morning it’s a disappointment. The noise in my head is so loud and its spreading. I can feel it, when it spreads in my whole body. It’s physically harder to breathe. I feel like I’m no longer in control of myself. It takes over. I wish it would just kill me already. I know its what it wants.

I don’t understand the world. I don’t get why I’m here. It just makes no sense to me. I just think it’s all stupid. The world. Living. The things we do. It’s all stupid. Small and stupid.

I want off the ride.


4 thoughts on “Let me off

  1. “She’ll get over it.”
    “It’ll pass and she’ll be fine again.”
    “It’s just another phase.”
    People can so easily trivialize these things.
    There are times your posts have been hopeful, even excited, and those were also moments and mindsets that might change at the drop of a hat or a bad choice of words or a confusing look on someone’s face.
    It’s the seat-of-your-pants nature of BPD and / or Depression, and to trivialize it is to ignore it.
    “I should be in the hospital.”
    This is partially cynicism speaking partially experience, but all too many times hospitalization is the result of a health care professional having to cover their fucking asses for at least 72 hours. Then it’s up to an Administrative Law judge. Load someone up for three solid days on Lithium or Seroquel or Jose Cuervo Gold for all I care, and it’s going to mellow them out.
    Then (if it’s the same as what they always did with my wife) they set you up with a single appointment with an MD or PhD or PsyD or LCSW who will refer you to behavioral skills classes and minimal psychotherapy.
    Medication can indeed help keep the edge off of things. You’ve spoken of Klonopin and I am very familiar with the relief Liz got from mood stabilizers.
    Instead of full-blown hospitalization, maybe there’s a Crisis House type of setting you could look into. Even a county Mental Health center should be aware of one that would not be as expensive as a hospital and could help regulate and monitor whatever meds could be prescribed through (if not by) your therapist.
    There’s a difference between “losing it” and “letting it loose”, and while you want to avoid the first, the second might do you some good if you have someone watching over you.
    And “I’m the only one holding things down out here”
    How much longer is that going to last if you can’t hold things down “in there”.
    Hey… this is the U. S. of A., and there are plenty of people out there who seem to get help when they can’t afford ANYthing other than weed and beer and Newport 100s.
    You have to take care of yourself first, sweetheart.

  2. I’m so, so sorry you feel like this (and also that I only just read this: I went to visit Mum). I totally get this! When people act like there is nothing to worry about because it’ll all just go away, it makes that dangerous “You should die” part of me more aggressive, just to prove them wrong! And to end the feeling of overload, and the constant insistence that it should happen. When you write, “I’m so tired of crying alone. I’m so fucking tired of everything. I’m just so fucking tired.” you could have been speaking for me: I said similar things to my (ex-)therapist the other day. I am so sorry you feel them, but I feel them too.

    Importantly, you are so not “worthless”, not ever. You are so strong and so talented. And being strong doesn’t mean that the pain doesn’t really hurt sometimes, or more than sometimes. It doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to say it hurts and expect people to understand and care. But you are winning this battle, even if it’s hard to see it now. And I really think you will get better, and, more importantly, you will feel a lot better than you do now much more quickly than you think. I’m not saying this to trivialise your feelings; But I don’t want the BPD to convince you of the things that it gets me with: The worthlessness, the “everything is always going to suck and always has”, that really, really aren’t true and that are just sick lies BPD tries to hurt you with. Please write again soon to say how you are if you can.

    1. Hey. Your comments are very helpful. I know people comment and try to help with positive words, and I think yours help the most when I’m in such a bad mental state. Mainly because you don’t necessarily try to make it better, but you express how you relate. Anyway, I appreciate your comments a lot. Thank you

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