So I had this thought. Tonight is another rough night. I’m desperately holding on and trying to be ok. I think at the moment, I could really go either way but I’m still sane and frankly very angry with my BPD right now. And I wondered, in regards to my boyfriend actually, “If you could talk directly to my BPD, what would you say to it?” Part of me wonders if that would ever help. I mean, if he just hauled off verbally and let it know exactly what he thought in a moment, well, like now, when it’s really getting in the way of things.
I feel like I’m being attacked by it and everyone is looking the other way. Really, no one can physically see it and so they don’t realize it’s happening, or how badly it’s happening. I mean, if you say someone literally attacking me, you’d help, right??? I guess in a way I just wonder if it’d help to feel defended against it. I don’t know.
I’m very angry. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it keeping me awake. I’m tired of it ruining my relationship and other people’s lives. I’m just fucking tired of it.
“Losing it vs. letting it loose” (Pops). I keep thinking about that. I think that’s sort of the crossroad that I’m facing right now. I really do wish I could go to the hospital even though I vowed with everything I have, that I’d never go back there. I’ve been there twice and I really held a lot in because it was just a new and scary experience. Part of me though, wishes I could go and just let it all out. Not filter myself. Not monitor myself. Not fight BPD while I’m there because frankly, I’m too damn tired to fight it anymore. I just want to stop being strong and let it out. I know it’s not “appropriate”, but dammit if I’m angry enough to throw a chair against the wall, then I’d want to throw a chair against the wall. I wouldn’t hurt anyone, but I’m sure they’d prefer that over self-harm and I feel like finally someone would see just what it’s doing to me. I don’t feel like I’m being taken seriously. Point is, I need to let all this out.
Anyway, that’s just a fantasy. One that can’t come true because I need to be out here being a parent and an employee and everything else. Plus, I’m afraid they wouldn’t let me take Panda in there. What would I have? I used to just color in there. Color pictures. And write. A lot. There was one nurse I hated and I already decided if I ever see her again, I’m going to let her know. But only if she would try to talk to me again.
I tried distracting myself just earlier tonight. I counted the blinds. I named things I could see. I did a mental walk through of my house and described all the things I could “see”. The closet. The things in the closets. I only made it outside my bedroom door and my mind took over and here I am. But it worked slightly. The distraction technique. But still, here I am. Awake. Angry and awake. Angry, awake and racing.
What’s going on with nighttimes.
I’m pretty sure my boyfriend is going to leave me soon. He said he isn’t but I think he is. I mean, what’s he got going on to stay? Nothing really. He’s worried. That’s no way to be. This relationship provides nothing but worry for him and that’ll eventually make him leave. A burden. Burdens are things you get rid of. I’m a burden. This is a burden. He’ll eventually go for sure.
I’m going to email my therapist I think. He wants me to reach out and I think I may actually take him up on that. I know its too late to call, and I don’t know what I’d say if I called, but dammit I can ramble when I write. I don’t know if he gets it either but he should know how I can’t fucking sleep and how this shit keeps me awake all the time and how fucking angry and fucked up I am inside. I’m going to write another post about what I would say to my BPD.