So I started to write a letter to my BPD and I ran into some challenges. The first challenge I ran into and I guess I need to work on, is that I very much “AM my illness”. It’s so powerful inside me and so intense that it’s like it’s the only part of me that I am aware of, which has led to feeling like it is me and I am it. They say “you are not your illness” and I’ve really disputed that. In a sense I still do? I guess this is the conflict I’m running into. I’m not sure where it ends and I begin. I’m not sure, without it, what I’m left with. The lines are so blurred.
Secondly, as much as I want to yell at it and tell it that it’s wrong, I believe the things it tells me. It’s hard to argue back against things like being unlovable, because when I look at things around me, I feel I have nothing to back it up with if I were to say, “Fuck you I AM loveable!”. I mean, I need facts.
Look at me. I have nothing. Family wise I’ve got a sister and a mom who’ve done a great job at dismissing A) that they’ve ever played a role in making me this way, and B) that there’s anything wrong with me at all or that I go through this. I have my boyfriend but I’m not even sure what’s happening there either. He says he loves me. He said tonight that he’s not leaving, but I can’t seem to believe it and feel that it’s true.
I guess what I’m saying is that “it” has done a really good job at fucking me up. I’m feeling pretty confused and powerless to even put up a good argument against it. THAT’S A PROBLEM, isn’t it…
On a whole other note, I emailed my therapist. Not sure if that was a good idea or not, but it’s done.
But back to the previous issue at hand. I want to be able to believe that someone loves me when they say they love me. I want to be able to believe them when they say they aren’t leaving. I want to be able to give “it” the finger, say “Fuck you”, and tell it that’s its wrong with full confidence.
I’m just not there yet. I’m not sure how I’ll get there but I guess that’s where therapy comes in.