There’s three!

“I’m weakening you. Can you feel it? You think you’re happy. You think you’re ok. You make me laugh. I love watching you, thinking you’re ok and enjoying life. I love when you’re up there because I get to push you down so much further. Everything you’re feeling is fake. You don’t even know if you’re happy. You don’t know what happy is. I know that because you said it. Don’t be fooled. God you really are a fool. You really are a vulnerable little girl aren’t you? I hate you. You’re all alone. You think people are there for you, but they aren’t. They hate you to. Everyone does. You’re so unlovable.”

My initial intent of this post was to let “it” talk, and then to talk back to it. Because she’s running her mouth as I type. However, I’m stuck here. There’s something going on. There’s three. Three people. Three “its”. There’s the one who was just talking above. The mean girl. The one that terrorizes. Then there’s little me, and then there’s…me? Yes. I am the middle man. I’m caught in the middle or more so in the background; watching. The mean girl treats little me very badly. Little me CANNOT talk to the mean one. She froze. Completely froze. That’s who Mean Girl was talking to just now. She was talking to Little Me.

Little Me, rather than talking back to Mean Girl, could only talk to me. So Mean Girl is awful to Little Me, and Little Me only comes and tells me about it. I’m not sure where things go from there. Maybe I hush up Little Me because that’s what everyone else always did. “Shh. Don’t cause a scene. Don’t create an issue. Don’t rock the boat. Just take it and move on. You’ll only make things worse.” When I do try to stand up to Mean Girl, she targets me too. I guess I’m really weak.

So…wow this is really hard. How do I do this? Who is going to stand up to her? I mean, I guess maybe the more I take care of Little Me, the stronger her (and ultimately “I”) get, and the more power we have against Mean Girl? I’m just not sure. It’s like there’s no communication line at all going from Little Me to Mean Girl. I’m not sure there’s one from me to Mean Girl either! I’m not sure I usually talk back to Mean Girl, so much as I just talk to myself in order to drown her out and keep myself on track. I do yell at her to shut up, but that’s it.

I think I need help on this one. I feel like I sound very crazy right now 😦

2 thoughts on “There’s three!

  1. You describe what all of us with BPD face. I’m new here, so forgive me for asking, but have you tried DBT tools like ‘wise mind’ to help you deal with times like this when you’re really suffering, emotionally and mentally? Just know you’re not crazy…I’ve got those voices in my head too. Tools do help, but they take practice and time to retrain our mind into a different habit of processing stuff. Sorry if this sounds preachy…i just feel for you and am trying to help. But I “hear” you…I really do. Hugs.

    1. Hi. Yes, I started DBT a couple of months ago. Due to insurance issues, I couldn’t continue that program with that therapist, but am currently with a new therapist and he was discussing DBT also. I’m aware of the different tools, I just haven’t gotten very far with them yet. Honestly, my post wasn’t intended to sound slum and stuff. I was more so trying to be observant about it but detached. I feel ok, I was just noticing what was happening inside me. Thank you for your comment and it helps to know that this is something others experience as well, with the voices. I appreciate it 🙂 🙂 🙂

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