I can feel it. I can feel it getting closer to me. I’m paranoid. The voices in my head are getting louder. I’m having more trouble focusing. I’m tired but unable to sleep.
On a weird yet positive note, Little Me’s voice was heard for the first time today. I mean, I heard it. She’s always just been this very quiet faint whisper, but today I heard her. She wasn’t loud, but she sounded her voice for the first time to me. It was heartbreaking. So while her voice gets louder, it really only adds to the overall volume of noise in my head, I’m thinking it’s good though that she is getting louder?? Right? It was weird. I was driving and I realized I could hear her talking. She just kept saying, “Love me. Take care of me. Love me. Love me.” It was sad. She was sad. Very sad. It made me sad too.
I’m sure this is around the time I start going crazy. I get irritable. Mean Girl’s voice is so fucking loud and relentless it just gets more and more impossible to block her out. Her negativity weighs so heavily on me. She poisons me. I’m trying really hard to keep a couple of things in mind:
a) I’m trying to keep the image of my boyfriend’s face when he gave me my birthday flowers and jewelry box. That whole collection of moments was so amazing to me. I keep forcing that video to replay in my head to try and block out the videos Mean Girl is trying to play.
b) I’m also trying to take responsibility for helping Little Me. I think mentally I put that responsibility on my boyfriend, or some other people, whether he has any clue about that or not. When he doesn’t give what she needs (and no wonder because he has no idea about it and its just really not his responsibility), that’s when she gets SO hurt, then Mean Girl takes over, and he becomes the target. I refuse to let that happen. I don’t want that. We had a great lunch the other day and he was happy and it felt good and I want all of that good stuff.
c) Overall I’m just trying to tell myself that this is my illness happening. This is the predictable sequence of mental events that happens. It doesn’t mean any of the things Mean Girl says are real, are actually real. She’s mostly full of shit anyway I think.
So…here I am. Actually, I’m drinking wine. It helps to calm me. I’m not sure if it’s ok or not, but I need it. I need something. Plus it’ll help me sleep hopefully.