It’s Getting Dark in Here

I just feel crazy right now. Not like in a crazy rage of any kind. I just feel crazy. I’m fully aware that I’m not normal. I wish my delusions would make me think I was normal. Then I’d be happy because I wouldn’t know any better. That would be easier. But instead, I just know. I know all too well that I’m just not like other people, and yea, I’m just crazy. Beautifully Borderline. I only feel the borderline side of things right now.

I’m lost.

I’ve been trying to decipher my emotions today and I just can’t. I don’t know what they are. I can’t name them. I just know I feel things and they don’t really feel good.

It’s pulling me in. I want to stop it.

I have cleaning to do. Maybe I will do that. I like when my house is clean and I melt some smell-good waxes. Yea, I should do that. I want ice cream too. I’m not confident today. I don’t like me. I want to be pretty.

I need clothes. I want to do something with my hair. I should style it more. Maybe that would be prettier. I’d feel better I think. I just have such a hard time waking up in the morning. My hair is really long too so it takes awhile to style. But maybe I could curl it more or something. Or try some different things. I don’t know.

Jeans. I know I need more jeans. Jeans and shoes. Well and shirts too. There’s just so much to pick from and so many different styles and I don’t know which one is right for me. I think maybe if I start shopping by outfit, that would help. I’m not sure.

I wonder what my life will be like. I wonder what’s in my future. I wonder where things will go. I’ve decided I don’t care where I live. There’s this development of beautiful homes and it’s been my dream to live there one day. I don’t care anymore. I guess it’d be nice to own a home but I spend so much of my life trying to work toward these goals. It’s hard and they mostly don’t matter.

I feel too skinny. My boyfriend said I’m just perfect but I don’t feel it. I wish I was thicker. I’m small. I want more shape. I can’t tell what I look like or if its ok. I just see other people and think I’m not acceptable just because I’m me and not them. I can’t be everyone though. I wish I could, but I’m just me. I’m not sure what that means really.

I just want to be pretty.

I’m going to eat ice cream. I’m not sure who I am right now. I think Little Me is around, and I can see Mean Girl. The Bitch. I think that’s a better name for her. The Bitch is lounging back very arrogantly. She’s looking at me. She makes me anxious.

Cheesecake and ice cream. A treat first and then I will clean and melt wax on the wax warmer. I’m scared of the nighttime again. It’s getting darker. I’m not ready.

This isn’t good.


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