So the whole shopping experience today made me think…I feel like a doll. Or I wish I was one. Or more like, I’m a doll without an owner and I need an owner.
Dolls are like people shells. They have the features of a person, but they’re not advanced enough to actually be one. They have no personality of their own. They don’t make decisions of any kind. They are just fake people. Without an owner to give them those pieces that would make up their identity, they are nothing. When they have an owner however, they become the closest to being a person that they will ever be. Their owner gives them their entire identity. The only thing the doll brings to the table is its appearance and functionality. Their owner decides their personality, which comes with a corresponding wardrobe, etc. It all fits inside this identity bubble.
In some ways, I feel like I have been a doll my entire life. I’ve always been directed toward which personality and corresponding wardrobe set I was supposed to have. Given the chaos of my life, I needed a variety of identity bubbles to suit whichever situation I happened to find myself in. I never really got to pick my own and so rather than growing to become a real person, I only managed to become more and more like a doll. An empty fill-able shell of a person in need of a real person to provide her with who she should be.
I’m so frustrated right now. I mean, I wish I could choose those things on my own. I wish I was able to go into Saladworks and easily provide answers to their many questions resulting in a smooth process of choosing a salad that suits my taste. I wish I could go to the mall and casually choose a few items that fit my personality and wardrobe style.
But I just can’t.
I wish someone would claim me and fill up my identity bubble. Tell me how to dress. Choose my personality and teach me how to be whatever it is they wanted because I’m not sure how to do that on my own.
Or, I just wish I could figure out who I was so those things became easier and even enjoyable.
This whole failed shopping trip really fucked with me and now I’m anxious, angry, scattered, discouraged, and feeling very very alone and empty.