I tried to go shopping today. For nothing more specific than just knowing I need some clothes and god I need more shoes. It’s really a need. I don’t have much.
I went to the mall alone, as in, without my kids. That never happens. I thought it was nice but it wasn’t. I really hate being alone and I really don’t like being out in public alone. I was alone all night. Both of the kids were gone. It was awful. I was anxious, paranoid, bored, and really scared at night to go to bed in the dark by myself. So pathetic.
Here’s the real problem though. I suck at shopping. Yes, I suck at it. How does one suck at shopping? I’m glad you asked. Because in order to purchase clothing for someone, you have to really know the person you’re buying them for. We all know this. We all experience this at Christmas time. There’s people you may “need” to get gifts for but you don’t know them well enough to be able to pick something out for them. What a dilemma. Will they like it? Is it really “them”?
I DON’T KNOW WHO I’M BUYING THESE CLOTHES FOR. I mean, my style just varies depending on what personality I am at any given moment, and when I go shopping, it’s like all of my personality versions emerge all at the same time. I could come home with absolutely anything. I could buy stuff a goth person would wear, and also have a conservative cute little blazer…both for “me”. I HATE THAT. My closet is full of random pieces of clothing that mostly all have nothing to do with any of the other pieces of clothing. I don’t know which personality to buy clothing for. I don’t know who I am!!! I can hardly tell what I like. I mean, everything I look at that I think maybe I do like it, it’s like it filters through all of these thought processes to figure out if I really do like it or not and if I should buy it…it becomes such a stressful mental experience, that I end up not feeling confident in buying the item and I leave it to move on to the next. Eventually, I’ve wasted SO much time and with each failed attempt, I get angrier and angrier and full of self loathe. Now I’m exhausted.
And this moves me into my next post…