Is it happiness?

I’m so…happy? Is it weird that I’m not sure I really know what happy is or what it feels like? I use the word but I’m not entirely sure if its what I’m feeling or not. I think partly because I attribute every single emotion as being just another part of my BPD cycle. Happiness is also felt in a borderline way for me, and so I never really know if it’s real or not. I also tend to have heightened anxiety when I’m “happy”, and so that confuses me even more.

However, I’m going to say I am very happy right now. I had a great day. My boyfriend came over this morning to show me some things. That was fun. Then he took us out for lunch, and that was really fun too! Then I stopped by to just give him a kiss for a few minutes. That was a great time. Now he’s stopping by again tonight! Just because!

He’s such a patient man. I love him.

I got some things done today. I’m very tired. I didn’t go to bed last night til about 5:30am and then got up at 8am. I need sleep. I’m going to rely on wine because it usually helps me sleep.

I got groceries. I cut up the celery, pulled the grapes off the vines and washed them, and organized the fridge so everything is ready and easily accessible for packing lunches in the morning.

I’m nervous to go to work tomorrow. Not for anything in particular. It’s just such a great job and I worry so badly I will fail. It’s very outside of my confidence zone, so every day that I go, I am really stepping outside of my comfort zone and pushing myself. It’s hard. They said I’m doing really well though.

Happy sigh. A new week. I’ve been good for a whole week. My boyfriend is happy. A whole week! I hope I stay good. I am happy too.

I have therapy on Tuesday this week. I’m getting anxious about waiting a whole month to see my doctor for meds. Maybe I should just call back and reschedule to see any doctor I can, ASAP. Idk what to do. I think I will ask my boyfriend what to do.

What say you?

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