The Sanity Wave

I am still riding this sanity wave. I’m getting a little concerned. I’ve still had some triggered moments and some moments of rage and thoughts I’ve had to work through; the typical mood swings; but so far I’ve been managing to keep it all in check. When I really think about it, like right now since I’m writing about it, it makes me really anxious and scared. I just really don’t ever want to be in that bad place again. I know inside that it’s inevitable, I just don’t want it.

My boyfriend told me last night that he’s really proud of me. I really like to hear that and especially coming from him. I really respect him and I think that carries a lot of weight because if he is proud of me and loves me and thinks good things about me, well then it all must mean something. Anyway, he said I’ve been doing really well and I seem like I’ve gotten some more control over it. That felt really good and I think he’s right. I’m really not sure what happened. I mean, I know last weekend when I had my last little episode, some things he said to me really hit me. Is it possible that it changed me a little? Or am I just riding a longer high than usual? I’m not sure.

Ok yea it really does scare me. I mean, this all feels really good and I like it, I just don’t understand how this is happening and God I really don’t want it to get me again. I just don’t want to be there. I feel like the kid that’s being dragged into somewhere she doesn’t want to be. Like the mean babysitter that mom thinks is nice but when mom leaves, she’s a horrible witch. And so I’m clinging and dragging my feet and fighting back but mom is forcing me to go inside and she’s going to leave me there. That’s how I feel when I think about BPD getting me again the next time. I just really don’t wanna go back there 😦

Ok I can hear my boyfriend’s voice now. I should stop worrying about that and just enjoy where I am right now. It’s hard to do because it’s so scary and bad but ok.

I am going to bed early tonight. I hope I sleep well. Oh and my boyfriend said to wait for my appointment for the meds instead of rescheduling for a sooner appointment with a different doctor. So, I’m going to wait. I just need to learn how to be patient. I just have to wait. Just wait.

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One thought on “The Sanity Wave

  1. Keep building on what you’ve already accomplished…teach that brain of yours that those ‘words’ it rolls around in your head to keep you stuck are just that…words…powerless unless you give them power. DBT stuff…i know of a great workbook you can do on your own if you’re interested…proud of you and happy for you. your story and mine will have happy endings.

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