I think today was the 6th session.
It was good. Hard, but good. Tonight we talked more about where my delusional thoughts are coming from. More about my childhood and my dysfunctional ‘relationship’ with my dad. The “things” that have happened. Not in too much depth but enough that he knows the basics.
We talked about me and who I am. I asked him if he generally feels normal. Does he go out every day and just feel normal. Like he blends in with the rest of the world in a general sense. I shared with him how I don’t. I feel like I’m this whole other species. Like I don’t function anywhere near how other people do.
He explained to me that on some level, everyone experiences the same things I do. The delusional thought patterns. Mine are just more extreme or unhealthy/uncontrolled. As far as who I am, I am different. I’ve got bright red-magenta-ish hair. I dress how I feel like dressing. That’s not normal. I said, “Well, I like the color and I just don’t care.” And he said, “Exactly. Almost everyone else does care. They’re too afraid to be that bold.” He was saying that it’s the differences about people that make each person so spectacular and that I would most likely hate it if I tried to be ‘normal’ because it would be boring to me. It’s just not me.
On some level, I get this. I’ve said this very thing. On another level, I don’t know. I told him how I just watch other people. How they function. How they interact with others among friends etc, and I can’t relate. I told him how, I feel like everything in my past was unhealthy. I basically have absolutely no foundation to function in life and so I feel like I’m just out there, taking shots and hoping I make it, with no real direction or guidance. I feel like a little kid in need of little kid things, but I’m an adult and I have my own kids and so I’m just in this very weird conflicted state.
And so his response was a head nod and a statement that it’s like I’m an infant again in a mental/emotional sense. I’ve got to start all over. As scary as that is, and as long as that could take, it’s really pretty necessary. I’ve just got to start over and rework through it all. Fix the dysfunctions. Repair the damage. Start over.
So here I am. It’s hard. I feel like a blank slate. I’m hearing what he’s saying and I get it. I want so badly to try. To practice the things he’s teaching me and to start to feel better.
He doesn’t like the borderline diagnosis because he said he doesn’t like the portion that comes along with it that basically says that the borderline will not get better. They may be “better” but they won’t be cured. I’m not sure if he doesn’t like it because he knows its true and it bothers him, or if he doesn’t like it because he thinks its not true. I’m not sure. Maybe I will ask him.
Will there ever be a day I don’t go crazy when my boyfriend goes on a weekend trip? Will there ever be a day I don’t break out into a mess of sobs, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts because I am SO CERTAIN he is going to leave me or that he’s up to something? Will there ever be a day I don’t create these alternate realities based upon my fears, that get so intense that they just take over and nothing makes sense anymore? And the list goes on. And the answer is I don’t know. I’d like to think one day I’ll be ok. My gut tells me I will forever have to consciously use skills to get through these tough times, but who really knows. I just want to be better. Better than this. Better than I am now.
For right now, I think I want to work on seeing if I am able to just be me. Some of my favorite people, are people who are unique. Is that me? I like my bright hair and I have future plans for more fun color schemes. I guess maybe I’ve got to learn to accept me. Maybe the problem isn’t that other people don’t like or accept me, maybe it’s that I haven’t learned to like or accept me? I’m not sure.
I haven’t really nailed any of this down. I’m just brainstorming. Thinking. Analyzing. Who knows. Thanks for reading. Sorry this was so long.