Therapy Session #6

I think today was the 6th session.

It was good. Hard, but good. Tonight we talked more about where my delusional thoughts are coming from. More about my childhood and my dysfunctional ‘relationship’ with my dad. The “things” that have happened. Not in too much depth but enough that he knows the basics.

We talked about me and who I am. I asked him if he generally feels normal. Does he go out every day and just feel normal. Like he blends in with the rest of the world in a general sense. I shared with him how I don’t. I feel like I’m this whole other species. Like I don’t function anywhere near how other people do.

He explained to me that on some level, everyone experiences the same things I do. The delusional thought patterns. Mine are just more extreme or unhealthy/uncontrolled. As far as who I am, I am different. I’ve got bright red-magenta-ish hair. I dress how I feel like dressing. That’s not normal. I said, “Well, I like the color and I just don’t care.”  And he said, “Exactly. Almost everyone else does care. They’re too afraid to be that bold.” He was saying that it’s the differences about people that make each person so spectacular and that I would most likely hate it if I tried to be ‘normal’ because it would be boring to me. It’s just not me.

On some level, I get this. I’ve said this very thing. On another level, I don’t know. I told him how I just watch other people. How they function. How they interact with others among friends etc, and I can’t relate. I told him how, I feel like everything in my past was unhealthy. I basically have absolutely no foundation to function in life and so I feel like I’m just out there, taking shots and hoping I make it, with no real direction or guidance. I feel like a little kid in need of little kid things, but I’m an adult and I have my own kids and so I’m just in this very weird conflicted state.

And so his response was a head nod and a statement that it’s like I’m an infant again in a mental/emotional sense. I’ve got to start all over. As scary as that is, and as long as that could take, it’s really pretty necessary. I’ve just got to start over and rework through it all. Fix the dysfunctions. Repair the damage. Start over.

So here I am. It’s hard. I feel like a blank slate. I’m hearing what he’s saying and I get it. I want so badly to try. To practice the things he’s teaching me and to start to feel better.

He doesn’t like the borderline diagnosis because he said he doesn’t like the portion that comes along with it that basically says that the borderline will not get better. They may be “better” but they won’t be cured. I’m not sure if he doesn’t like it because he knows its true and it bothers him, or if he doesn’t like it because he thinks its not true. I’m not sure. Maybe I will ask him.

Will there ever be a day I don’t go crazy when my boyfriend goes on a weekend trip? Will there ever be a day I don’t break out into a mess of sobs, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts because I am SO CERTAIN he is going to leave me or that he’s up to something? Will there ever be a day I don’t create these alternate realities based upon my fears, that get so intense that they just take over and nothing makes sense anymore? And the list goes on. And the answer is I don’t know. I’d like to think one day I’ll be ok. My gut tells me I will forever have to consciously use skills to get through these tough times, but who really knows. I just want to be better. Better than this. Better than I am now.

For right now, I think I want to work on seeing if I am able to just be me. Some of my favorite people, are people who are unique. Is that me? I like my bright hair and I have future plans for more fun color schemes. I guess maybe I’ve got to learn to accept me. Maybe the problem isn’t that other people don’t like or accept me, maybe it’s that I haven’t learned to like or accept me? I’m not sure.

I haven’t really nailed any of this down. I’m just brainstorming. Thinking. Analyzing. Who knows. Thanks for reading. Sorry this was so long.

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Too Good to be True

My boyfriend is stopping over tonight. I’m very nervous. Am I ready to see him? What will it be like? I haven’t been well the past few days. There’s a huge war inside. The two sides are battling it out and I don’t know which is telling me the truth. I’m so close to acting out and doing some very destructive things. So far I’ve been mostly keeping control but I’m not sure if I can keep doing it and I don’t trust myself too much. I’m not sure how I feel about him. I mean, I love him. I don’t mean that. I mean, I am so paranoid that he is trying to hurt me. I have been trying to read through old texts and remember good times. It’s like that guy was a whole different person. This guy…I don’t know who he is. He’s “one of them”. I want to feel safe again. Where did that go? I don’t know if these are gut feelings or paranoid delusional thoughts provoking feelings. I am pretty sure that when I feel ok, I am really confident in our relationship. I think so. But what if things were truly ok between us and now they really aren’t and that’s why I am feeling this way? WHAT IF these are real thoughts and feelings based on something factual that I’m just picking up on? How do I know? Dr L (therapist) tells me that it really doesn’t matter. I’m making myself miserable over things I can’t control or prevent. If someone is going to do something bad, they will. It is life. It’s hard, yes, but I am putting all my energy into something I have no control over. I just hate being hurt. I feel like I will die. And I love him. Him. God it would hurt so bad if he turned out to be a horrible man. I respect him so much and trust him more than anyone. It would just kill me. They say if something seems too good to be true it usually is. And he seems it. Very much. It can’t be real.

So I’m worried to see him. I just don’t know what it will be like. I’m nervous. I hope its ok.

Random

I feel the need to write. I’m not sure what about exactly. I don’t have a plan for this post so we’ll see where it goes.

I’m still a little off. Going back and forth between the black and white because neither is wholly safe for me quite yet. I really see where being able to be ‘gray’ would really ease a lot of what I go through. The internal battles and all. I know this is where the mindfulness can come in. The Wise Mind. It’s so hard. In either case, this is where I am right now. Jumping back and forth over that line, trying to find my place. I want to be ok but it doesn’t feel safe yet to let go of my ‘delusions’ because I’m just not quite yet convinced that they’re just delusions.

I’m sad. I’m sad that forever I will have to monitor myself this way. I’m sad that I am in this place and that it interferes so much with everything. I’m sad that I may not be suited for relationships. I really want to self-harm. Just to release this last bit of poison that’s inside me. I’m sorry but I think I may give into it tonight.

I still feel the need to cry. Not the kind of crying I often do that is mixed with panic attacks and anger. Just cry. Like a lonely cry until I fall asleep or until the tears just can’t come anymore. I want to be held. I want to be nurtured.

I read something online yesterday that really nailed it. I feel homesick for a place that doesn’t exist. I feel like I am constantly searching for something or someone that will just fill this hole in me, but it doesn’t exist.

I’m sad that this is me. I’m sad that I am this way. I’m just sad. Again, I don’t think these meds do much of anything. I’m trying to be patient and give them some time, but I think I would have noticed more by now. It’s been 3 weeks I think. I may call that new doctor and see if I can bump the appointment up sooner.

Anyway…I have therapy again on Thursday. I’m glad. I wish I could work more from home. I like being home I think. And some days I just need to stay inside. Away from people.

If a second world was created, just for people with mental illnesses, I wonder what it would be like. Do you think we may all be slightly happier there, just knowing that finally for once, we were surrounded by people who understood? In that world we would be “normal”. That constant feeling of being different…I don’t like it. I want to know what it’s like to feel ‘normal’.

I just thought of something I need to write about.

Finding Balance

Rough morning. Last night was hard. This morning I felt like I was going to explode. I went to work. I tried to work but I just kept catching myself staring at my computer screen and getting lost in my head. I emailed my therapist to see if he had any appointments today and thankfully he did. I left work and took a sick day, and went to see him.

Within the first 5 minutes I had a panic attack. 😦  I thought I was going to just die. I was so paranoid and afraid and confused. Anyway, once it ended I was a little more workable. We talked a little about what was going on in my mind. I felt like we only touched on about 3% of it, but it was still good.

He talked about how everything in life is on a spectrum. He didn’t say it but I know he was talking about black or white thinking. I’m not sure if he did so intentionally, but that’s what it was about. So I struggle with that. I see everything in black or white. You either are something, or you’re not. He mentioned that line from some movie where the girl says, “I’m 99% sure I don’t want to go out with you.” and the guy says, “So you’re saying I have a chance?” I’m so opposite of that. If someone said, “I am 1% sure I don’t want to go out with you”, I would see that as “no chance at all”. It’s so hard for me to grasp and understand that there are spaces in between. Happy doesn’t haven’t to be manic. Sad doesn’t haven’t to be suicidal. For me though, it just is and has always been that way. I’m not sure if I can learn to be different in that way. I’m not sure I can learn to experience emotions somewhere in the gray. Is that something someone can learn? Idk.

Anyway, he said that we got into some deep stuff today. Stuff he isn’t sure is time to delve too far into just yet. He said it’s important to be able to learn enough to be able to get through what is happening right now, before we start really digging into the past. He said from what I told him today, it makes sense why I am the way that I am and why I get these feelings and thoughts.

Well, so here I am. I took the rest of the day off which I needed. I just got some stuff done that needed done. One thing he said that meant a lot, was how I wasn’t given very good care growing up. No one really paid attention to me. For days I’d be in the basement or just, away somewhere, and no one would really check on me. I wouldn’t get included in family dinner time, etc. I was just left. Now here I am, 29 years old, and I’m still longing for someone check on me. To see if I’m ok. To care. But I have two kids of my own. I may not be able to get my childhood back and the things I missed out on truly suck and have left me with some internal struggles, but one thing is for sure. He said, “It ends with you.” I would never do that to my kids. When my daughter storms off to her room, I give her a little bit of time and privacy, but I always reach out to her. Sometimes I go up and ask if she’s ok. Other times I will text her phone from downstairs and just let her know that I love her. I never exclude her. When it’s family dinner time, it is family dinner time. I don’t want to pass those things down to them. I don’t want them feeling neglected or uncared for. I’m not perfect. Far from it. But dammit I try to not do that to them.

That’s probably the biggest thing I need to find a balance with: Dealing with my pain from what I missed out on and what has happened to me, while still giving my kids enough of me. The good stuff.

ROCK BOTTOM HURTS

I give up. I just fucking give up. I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m frustrated. I’m hurt. I’m done. I’m just fucking done with everything. No one else gives a fuck about me, so why the fuck should I give a fuck about them. I’m tired of being the only one who cares. I’m tired of being the only one who FUCKING CARES. I’m tired of people being fake. If you don’t love me, then just go the fuck away. There’s no need to pretend. There’s no need to act. There’s no fucking need whatsoever to fucking be in my life. I’m lonely but people are bad and I know better than to think that any fucking person in this fucking shit world could ever be relied on for fucking anything. I’m tired of being just this burden to people. I’m sorry it’s such a chore to care about me. It’s been that way my entire fucking life. I’m stupid to think that would have ever changed. I wish I were dead and I can’t wait for the day I am no longer on this earth. I hate this world. I hate people. I hate me. I hate living. I wish I didn’t have reason to stay here. I just want to give up on everything. Fuck work. Fuck this house. I just want to drive far away where no one knows me. I just want to disappear. Fade away. That shouldn’t be hard to do. What am I even doing here anyway? I wish something bad would happen to me and end my life since I won’t do it myself.

FUCK YOU.

Breaking the Silence

Sorry I’ve been quiet.

Things have been ok. I haven’t flown off the handle at all for two weeks today…except for maybe today. Not sure what is to thank. Therapy is going well so I think it helps knowing that each week I will be seeing someone who is helping or will help. We’ve been working on some cognitive distortions and finding ways to calm my anxiety.

I start with a new family doctor soon for my med follow-up. I may request Abilify. I’m not sure if Depakote is helping? I can’t tell. The only thing I know is it makes me very very tired all of the time. There are also some side effects that really worry me and I’d rather not have them hanging over me, but we’ll see.

I’m not sure how things are with my boyfriend. I think they’re good. We haven’t gotten to spend much time together lately I don’t think. He is away this weekend and I haven’t heard from him. I hope he’s ok. Maybe he just doesn’t have service but usually he hikes to find service and text me at least once or so. But I’ve heard nothing. It’s really triggering me. I am sick to my stomach with anger and paranoia. I keep obsessing over it in my head and I’m mad at him and want to just ignore him for awhile if he does text me or whatever. I want to cry. Maybe he’s leaving me. Maybe this is the start of goodbye and I should just figure I’ve already got a couple of days into living life without him so I should just keep moving.

I think things are going “too well” in therapy. I’m not sure what my therapist thinks, but this is sort of normal for me. I am always great in the beginning. I think it’s a facade. It pisses me off. I don’t do it intentionally. That evil thing in me just pulls my strings and lets things be great so everyone thinks I’m fine, no one takes me seriously, and they all just slowly leave me be because they think I don’t need help. Then it starts torturing me again.

God I’m sick. I wish I could just change my number and move away and disappear from everyone. I want a dog. I love animals. I worked a little overtime this morning which was nice. My boss even showed up at the office and it was interesting because he thanked me for coming in so early to do some OT. I didn’t understand that but I guess it was nice. I really can’t have a dog right now. I don’t have the time to give to it and that wouldn’t be fair to the dog. One day.

I don’t feel good inside. That poisonous feeling again. Like I just got infected with a death serum that goes right to my brain to fuck me up and make me kill myself. The worst way to die. Hm, I used to think drowning would be the worst way, but no. BPD is the worst way to die. Any mental illness really. Any mental illness that drives you so incredibly insane that you end up killing yourself because you just can’t take it anymore. THAT is the worst way to die. So helpless.

Why does this happen? What is wrong in my head? I don’t think anyone understands 😦 I just feel like my brain starts to decompensate, or better yet, to decompose. Like it just starts going haywire. There’s a short in a circuit somewhere and it just starts firing off a bunch of stuff in all different directions and slowly, part by part it starts to shut down or get dysfunctional and throws everything else off. I don’t know how to stop it 😦 Does anyone else get this? Anyone? What is it? I feel crazy and no one gets it. I don’t think my therapist gets it either. I tried to explain it to him once but I’m not sure he understood. I told him it’s like when you’re in a video game. And you’re walking through a pretty forest. Suddenly it gets dark. Villains come out from every angle and it doesn’t look like the same place anymore. The entire ‘feel’ of where you are is completely different. That’s what it’s like. Like suddenly my whole world changes. No one is good and everything is out to get me. Like it’s this conspiracy and no one can be trusted. I feel like I need to stay indoors and put my defenses up. I get mean and angry which really is just a front because inside I’m terrified and just trying to protect myself from danger but I can’t let them all know that. They need to know I’m on to them. They need to know that I know that they’re up to something and I WON’T be tricked!!!

I don’t like this 😦 Not one bit.

Non-creative title

I had a good day today I think. I woke up in a mostly good mood. Got to work slightly early. Got some stuff done at work and the day flew by. I may go into work real early again tomorrow. Oh and lunch tomorrow with my boyfriend! Yippee!!!

It smells good in here. I like the warm spicy smells when its cold outside. I mixed this one spice one with warm spice cake (wax melts) and it just smells so good!

Tomorrow is a long day but I get to leave work early which is always nice.

I lost my stamps 😦 It makes me real sad because I have two letters to mail. I had stuff to print and every time I tried, something went wrong. About three ink cartridges needed replaced. Heaven forbid it tell me about all of them all at once. Then I ran out of paper. I had my stamps ready…now I have ink and paper and lost my stamps! 😦 I have no idea where they got to. So sad. One of the things HAS to be mailed tomorrow! But oh well.

I think  my medicine makes me a little sleepy, which is nice. I’ve been taking it at night and I think it helps me get to sleep. I’m not sure though. I may try it one morning just to see what it actually feels like.

I guess that’s all for now. Goodnight.

I failed. Again.

Well I hit rock bottom. Except this time once it was over, I didn’t come back. I feel like I’m lingering right above rock bottom, ready to fall again at any moment. I’m sort of numb yet still very much hurting. I think my mind is trying to turn off emotions because they’ve just been traumatic to handle today. I can still feel that they’re there though. The numbness is just acting as a dam and I just never know when that dam will break and it’ll all come back.

It was hard. I stayed in my bathroom in my bedroom for awhile. I’m not sure how long it was. I played music to try and block out my sounds from my crying and to try to drown out the noise in my head. I cried. I cried a lot. I thought about dying. And then that terrifying panic set in and I freaked out in the bathroom for a few minutes. Clenching to my pink towel, pulling in distress at my hair and pacing and laying on the floor rolling around in agony. I held my blade the whole time. I threw it a couple of times. I screamed into my towel and bawled my eyes out and tried to breathe. Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to SH. At that moment it was the best I could do. I wanted to die but I know that wasn’t the answer and I remember I can’t do that, but I couldn’t keep on like I was either. So I did it. Within seconds the tears slowed down and I felt “better”. Not panicked anymore. More numb. Less intense. It was worse than what I’ve done recently and that sort of scared me, but it gave me some relief. And with that I was able to collect myself and leave the confines of my room and go get some cleaning done.

I still don’t feel all too great. I asked my boyfriend to come hold me. I debated asking him. I’m not sure if its good or if it’ll make me feel worse. He said he will. I hope I’m not burdening him. I don’t want to continue writing about this because there’s been triggers all day about some things. And I don’t like them.

I just want to sleep tonight. I hope I can.

Gonna Blow

It is not a good day today. All morning I’ve been trying to hold it together. I’ve been trying to calm myself down and to correct my thoughts. I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT. It’s too intense. And even when I change the thought and keep repeating a better thought in my head, the physiological feelings don’t stop and I can’t maintain the positive thinking and I just lose it! I don’t know why this is happening. I have a great day yesterday. I took my daughter and her friend to SkyZone. She earned it because she was awesome this past week. Her friend decided to sleep over and I took them to Infinitos. I’ve never been but my daughter loves it there and has been wanting to go. I was really nervous at first when we parked because the place was a lot bigger than what I imagined and it was very busy. I did it anyway and we ended up having a great time. Now today I’m just going crazy. I almost cursed some old lady out in the grocery store. Her and about one other person per aisle that I came across through the rest of the store that pissed me off. People have absolute no sense. Leaving their god damn carts in the middle of the aisle while they look for things. Walking so fucking god damn slow. I just can’t stand it. People have no courtesy for anyone else. They think they’re the only people that exist.

I’m losing my mind. Old thoughts were coming into my head today and they’re driving me crazy. They aren’t just fleeting thoughts. They bring a volcanic eruption of emotions with them the very split second that they come into my head. I don’t even have time to try and fight them off and use any kind of fucking skill because they just hit out of fucking nowhere and in a fucking instant, I’m all sorts of enraged and suicidal. The pain today is outrageous. I want to SH. So badly. I’m trying to resist. I’m trying but fuck I feel like giving up for the day. I don’t have the energy to fight it right now. It’s way too strong. No one fucking gets it and I’m tired. I’m tired of being misunderstood. I’m tired of the shit advice people give that clearly just don’t fucking get it. I just want to run away and disappear. I don’t want to know anyone. I don’t want anyone to know me. I just want to die alone.

I want to cry. I don’t know where all of it is coming from. I’m so tired of trying to appear fucking normal so I don’t scare people but I just don’t fucking care anymore. Not to mention I am ALWAYS with my kids. I have no time to let out my fucking crazy but then again I don’t like being alone because it scares me. I’m just going nuts! I want help. I need help. I don’t know what kind I just need this to go away. If I didn’t have my kids, I’d fucking swallow this whole god damn bottle of pills in hopes that they’d just work instantly and ease the pain.

I’m going to the bathroom now to cry. I can’t hold it in anymore.