And She Talks…

The Bitch, AKA “It”: You’re the bitch. A little bitch. You should be so embarrassed about how you acted tonight. It’s the reason he will leave you. You can’t hold yourself together long enough to save yourself. You’re such an idiot. God, when will you stop burdening him with your nonsense? The only reason he’s trying to teach you that you can be ok with or without him is because he’s going to leave you. He’s telling you that you’d be ok without him because he’d be ok without you. Of course he’d be ok. He’d be better. He’d be ok because he doesn’t give two fucking shits about you. And when you called that new therapist tonight and your reception gave out and he couldn’t hear you? He sounded mean, huh? He already doesn’t like you. You’ve already pissed him off and given him a reason to not like you. You wasted his precious time. You really need to just give up. Isn’t it obvious that it just wasn’t meant to happen for you? Look at all the trouble you’ve been having finding a therapist. Nothings worked out because it’s not supposed to. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve any of this. You know it too, that’s why you cried when your boyfriend sent you that nice text today. He was really going to tell you that he’s had enough of your shit and he’s outta here, but you were so pathetic he just couldn’t say it yet. Just wait. It’s coming. Not like it matters because you’re going to go soon anyway. I’ll make sure of it. You thought you’d gotten away over the past week and a half, huh? You thought you were doing better? I fooled you. I just wanted to sit back and watch you for a little. Watch you smile and get happy thinking that you were getting better, just so I could surprise you. It was me. I left you alone, but I’m back now. Don’t think it was you. You’re not strong enough. You’re not match for me. Oh you’re tired? Good luck. I don’t plan on letting you sleep tonight. And if you do fall asleep, I’ll still be there. In your dreams. Remember that dream from last night? It hurt, didn’t it? I love fucking with you. You’re such a piece of shit. I enjoy this.

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4 thoughts on “And She Talks…

  1. The three most important words to remember at times like these:
    “… but maybe not.”

    There are some people (even those within ourselves) that we just can’t argue with. We can’t win, we can’t even call it a draw.
    They have to win, sometimes even at great expense to themselves, even when there is no possible outcome in which anyone actually “wins”.
    She’s not going to hear a thing you have to say.
    Maybe what you need to say should be something that plants that seed in your mind that she just might be entirely full of shit.
    Won’t shut her up, but just because you’re hearing her doesn’t mean you have to listen. I can make it through an entire election year taking that approach to things. Made it through ten years of working with a ultra-Right, Black Belt Conservative, self-loathing Mormon (who actually believes that he will one day be “god-like”) who could eat his own shit and tell you it was filet mignon AND told me (and other folks) things about myself from over forty years ago that even I didn’t know myself.
    That son-of-a-bitch still rents space in my psyche, but now when I think of him the anger is replaced by laughter.
    It’s so invigorating when you reach that point where those blowhards finally reveal themselves to be so ludicrous.

  2. Hod I can number the times I’ve endured this very war within. Just try to use some dialectical behavior therapy (dbt) I know it isn’t easy to put the tools to practice but in time they work.

    Wise mind is my favorite. Weighing equal parts emotion and logic before responding impulsively to a painful trigger.

    1. Wise Mind was/is my most used skill also, from DBT. Granted I didn’t get through DBT in its entirety yet, but I did find the initial things to be very helpful. Thank you for your kind words.

      1. Yeah know I was posting the dbt skills on tumbler. I can copy them to WordPress if you would like to see them. Actually I think I will anyhow. They are useful for everyone. I haven’t gotten through all of them either. Maybe I should research the rest, or all my therapist for some print outs of the rest.

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