“Just Stop It”

Tomorrow.

I called the number for that therapist and I am going tomorrow. I was going to wait until next week…but then I had a lovely borderline freak-out and I called back and said I’d take the appointment for tomorrow after all.

I’m still not completely in the clear yet, emotionally, but I’m mostly better. I’m very ashamed and frustrated.

I’m leaving work early to go to the appointment. I’ll probably put some hours in tomorrow night or over the weekend to make up for it.

Sigh. I’m disturbed. Just by me. How I am. God I’ve been trying so hard. I did well for awhile. A whole week and a half I guess. I feel like I’ve ruined it. Ruined all of the progress. My boyfriend said I didn’t, and I guess I shouldn’t think that way. Progress is progress and what happened last night and today doesn’t erase the last week and half that I did ok. Right?

It bothers me because there’s so much of it that’s out of my control šŸ˜¦ Did the last week and a half go well because I helped it to go well? Or was it by chance that I just didn’t experience any triggers that made me explode?

I feel like my boyfriend is ashamed of me. Or just overall very bothered by my level of dependency on having him with me. He doesn’t understand…certain things may not actually be a matter of life or death, like our breaking up….but to me, THEY FEEL LIKE IT. And no matter how much he or anyone else tries to tell me that its not, it doesn’t change whatĀ happens in my brain and physiologically in my body as a result of that trigger in my brain. Does that make sense? And once that trigger has set off the domino affect of my brain into my body and behavior, there’s just no bringing me back to a logical state of mind until it finishes on its own. It starts in my brain. Its likeĀ telling a diabetic to just not have diabetes anymore. Or telling someone with amnesia to just remember. It’s not possible, at least not easily so. It’s such a deeply rooted issue and it takes lots of time and education and practice and alternative courses of action in order to “possibly” get rid of the problem. Or at least to overcome it enough that the person can function as closely to normal as possible.

Ugh. My BPD was telling me so many awful things with I was verbally going off to my boyfriend. He was responding, not in a bad way at all, but The fucking Bitch kept screaming hidden meanings at me, for everything he was saying. She is still mouthing off and I’m so weak right now it’s hard to fight her. I think its time for a War Zone post. I need to let the voices out and maybe I can sleep.

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2 thoughts on ““Just Stop It”

  1. You have made considerable progress! You’re doing really well. But healing takes time and there are always going to be set-backs. (But when the BPD has me, it tells me that I haven’t gotten anywhere and there is no hope for me.) Now you write that the “BPD was telling me so many awful things” and “the f**king B**ch kept screaming hidden meanings”, but that your boyfriend was responding “not in a bad way at all”. The point is that you are the one making the judgements and in control, not the BPD or the B**ch. You are winning.

    I doubt your boyfriend is ashamed of you. I guess it will take him some time to understand, especially if he hasn’t experienced anything like it, but if he’s there for you and willing to try, I guess that’s a really positive thing. And maybe he appreciates that you need him? Everyone needs people, in different ways.

    1. Thank you for your comment. That was helpful and encouraging. I think “The Bitch’s” voice tends to be so much louder than mine, so even when I’m doing good things in spite of her noise, I don’t notice them. Thank you šŸ™‚

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