Last night was a night full of nightmares. I guess I’m not surprised because I’ve been unstable for the past week or so. And sure enough I just thought to google “nightmares and psychosis” and the first thing that came up was a case study about the connection between nightmares and psychotic decompensation, suggesting (or finding rather), that someone who’s experienced nightmares their whole life may signify a heightened vulnerability to psychosis. Also, that the nightmares in this particular case study were often times about the same thing as the wakeful hallucinations or delusions, suggesting that they are in fact linked.
And so, oddly enough again, my nightmares last night were in fact about the same topics that haunt me when I’m awake.
I’m no professional so I may be talking a bunch of shit. All I know is what I experience and what I research that seems to fit exactly with my experiences. I like explanations, and so I often find them or get them on my own because, well where else will I get them? For myself, an explanation is needed because it gives me a starting place to get better and to hopefully eliminate that troubled area from my life. Without understanding it and where it comes from, how its functioning, and it’s purpose, it has all of the control. Once I learn about it, I hope to start taking over that control. It’s like learning the methods of a killer. Once you figure out what his motives are, you can start thinking like him. Then you can get three steps ahead, and trap him in his own game, and rid of him.
I can feel that I’m still not right inside. I don’t feel quite normal. I feel like I could slip away at any second. I’m trying really hard to stay focused on the fact that I have therapy this Thursday with a therapist who really finally seems to know what he’s doing, and I have my medication appointment on Friday. If I had a choice, I’d prefer to start on antipsychotics. My biggest problem of all is the thinking stuff. The intense paranoia, the delusions, the detachment from reality. Moods are in fact an issue, I just want to get rid of this stuff first, or ease it as much as possible. It’s just a preference really because that and my mood instability are both major problem areas.
I don’t think my boyfriend understands. No, he doesn’t. In a way its a good thing. It means he hasn’t fully experienced my episodes, which is good. On the other hand, it’s bad because I think it leaves him misunderstanding what is happening in those moments, and why. I have a fear of abandonment, sure. Is that where all of my episodes stem from? Maybe. Is there more going on at the same time? I think so. I think what gets so confusing is that the abandonment issue is what is triggered, But because I cycle so fast through thoughts and emotions, I end up running such a wide spectrum of thoughts and feelings that I really can’t pinpoint one particular thing that is scaring me at that time, or making me angry, etc. What it all ends up coming down to, is that I end up SO dysregulated and out of sorts, that the only thing I know that scares me at that moment, is me. Is the very dysregulation and “out of sorts” state of mind that’s taking me under.
Yes, sometimes I feel like I will die if he leaves me and that makes me distance from him. Other times I get so angry at him because I feel like he’s not paying me enough attention or something else (there’s a variety of things that innocently set me off), and it hurts me so badly that I feel like I need to guard myself off and let The Bitch take over, so I can protect myself from the hurt. It’s a pure and extreme emotionally defensive stance. Sometimes will trigger me and the paranoia and delusions are set off and I need to protect myself. I think what that comes from is that the Little Girl exposed herself a little, but he doesn’t get that and he treats me like an adult (could be anyone, not always him), and that kills her and it just becomes this messy battle of the personas. One needs to come out, but its dangerous and so the other needs to take over but she causes problems, and then there’s me caught in the middle wanting to let Little Me out but not wanting to hurt either and trying to mediate and it just gets so messy.
I’ve decided I talk too much in therapy. I want to control that. It’s like the dam breaks and all this stuff just starts gushing out of my vocals in a frantic attempt to find understanding. It often does not lead to that. A) Because I think I ramble so quickly and things end up coming out in detached segments of one another and so it doesn’t make much sense. B) There’s so much complexity to what I experience, that it’s really hard to explain what I experience, because it’s so complicated and varies from episode to episode. The episode itself is the same, but what sets it off, really could be anything. From losing containers (yes, true story), to feeling neglected. Not to mention I don’t always remember things. I worry about going back and saying, “Oh yea. Remember when you asked me such and such, and I said “no”, well I was wrong. I remembered when I went home that I’ve had such and such experiences.” I worry that they’ll think I’m making it up.
So I want to go back through my ‘symptoms notes’ for Friday. I want it to be clear what I am experiencing in regards to what he would need to know for medication so I don’t start blabbing out the mouth like a rabid animal on speed. And I need to make sure I am strong in telling him that I will not accept another SSRI or MAOI. I’m pretty sure I’ve tried them all anyway, to no avail. I’m sick of being a medication guinea pig.