I’m struggling. I was angry earlier because my house is cluttered. I don’t like clutter. I don’t have one free evening this week other than Friday, and stuff just keeps accumulating. I don’t like it. So I drank some wine and worked on some stuff for my boyfriend and I started to feel better. It kept me distracted and calmed my nerves.
But now my boyfriend isn’t too great. He’s having a rough moment, or evening…or day? And I don’t know. It’s really hard to not take it personally, but then I remind myself that is selfish of me. I just worry I’m to blame. I guess he was having trouble focusing and didn’t get some stuff done that he was hoping to get done. Instantly I feel like it’s my fault and that he’s going to have to break up with me. Maybe I’m taking up too much time and energy and he just can’t or doesn’t want to juggle it all anymore? Maybe having me around is a detriment to his business? Maybe he just is exhausted and tired of me. Maybe I’m too much. 😦
I’m trying super hard to hold on to…I don’t know. I just feel it pulling so hard at me. It. I’m not even sure I know what “it” is, I just know there’s something there. It. So I’m trying to hold on to whatever it is that “it” is trying to pull me away from 😦 Sanity? Life? Clear-mindedness? It’s not about me. But what if it is?
I hate how everything hurts. It’s the emotional equivalent to being repeatedly stabbed in the chest. Just over and over again. Over “such small” things. Nothing feels small. I don’t know how I should feel or act right now. I’m trying to be calm. I’m trying to use mindfulness, but it all is just on the surface. Underneath the mindfulness is still so much chaos and pain.
I’m going to go to bed. I had a long day and I’m waking up super early to go into work early. Goodnight.