Never Let Go…

Deep breath.

I’m struggling. I was angry earlier because my house is cluttered. I don’t like clutter. I don’t have one free evening this week other than Friday, and stuff just keeps accumulating. I don’t like it. So I drank some wine and worked on some stuff for my boyfriend and I started to feel better. It kept me distracted and calmed my nerves.

But now my boyfriend isn’t too great. He’s having a rough moment, or evening…or day? And I don’t know. It’s really hard to not take it personally, but then I remind myself that is selfish of me. I just worry I’m to blame. I guess he was having trouble focusing and didn’t get some stuff done that he was hoping to get done. Instantly I feel like it’s my fault and that he’s going to have to break up with me. Maybe I’m taking up too much time and energy and he just can’t or doesn’t want to juggle it all anymore? Maybe having me around is a detriment to his business? Maybe he just is exhausted and tired of me. Maybe I’m too much.  😦

I’m trying super hard to hold on to…I don’t know. I just feel it pulling so hard at me. It. I’m not even sure I know what “it” is, I just know there’s something there. It. So I’m trying to hold on to whatever it is that “it” is trying to pull me away from 😦 Sanity? Life? Clear-mindedness? It’s not about me. But what if it is?

I hate how everything hurts. It’s the emotional equivalent to being repeatedly stabbed in the chest. Just over and over again. Over “such small” things. Nothing feels small. I don’t know how I should feel or act right now. I’m trying to be calm. I’m trying to use mindfulness, but it all is just on the surface. Underneath the mindfulness is still so much chaos and pain.

I’m going to go to bed. I had a long day and I’m waking up super early to go into work early. Goodnight.


3 thoughts on “Never Let Go…

  1. Have you asked your boyfriend what’s bothering him? Your sensitivity could be a wonderful thing for supporting him through whatever is troubling him right now: I really strongly doubt it is you. Life gets stressful sometimes and maybe he doesn’t want to worry you with it? But in fact, you care so much that already know something is bothering him. Maybe I am totally wrong: I don’t know you and I certainly don’t know much about people and life; But I think it’s worth considering, because it sounds like you really care about him.

    1. Hey. He told me why he was upset. I actually didn’t know til he told me. I just instantly assumed I was the reason behind the reason he gave me. That probably sounds confusing. Really…it was just me being paranoid as usual. Thank you for your comment 🙂

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