It’s Normal

“It’s normal.”

I’m caught. Caught between two things that don’t mesh.

Thing A: I know I’m not what one would call normal. I can feel it. I can see it. Mostly I can feel it. Every day. All the time. It hurts me that I’m not normal.

Thing 2: When someone tells me that something about me is “normal”, I lose it. But isn’t that what I wanted? To be normal?

Well, yes? But no. When you tell me its’ normal I only feel invalidated because I know its not. Yes, maybe it in and of itself is in some way “normal”, but that’s a very surfacey way to look at it. Take it in its context. To say it is normal that we all experience sad emotions upon, say, a break-up, is in fact true. To say we all sometimes have the fear that our partner will be unfaithful and so the fear is “normal”, is I guess true.

Be real. I don’t just get sad. I don’t just “have a fear or worry”. MY POINT IS, my sadness is so painful it makes me want to kill myself. The fear/thought that my partner could be unfaithful, is beyond a fear. It’s such an intense paranoia that I get enraged. Suspicious. Accusatory, and yet again suicidal.

Take away the intensity and distortions and delusions, and I just may be normal. But don’t dismiss the intensity, distortions and delusions. They’re my crazy. I don’t want them but dammit don’t ignore them. It doesn’t make the weight I’m carrying any lighter.

Advertisements

One thought on “It’s Normal

  1. To say someone or something is “normal” is just a six-letter way of saying they or it don’t deviate from the ranks of the predictably and generally expected.
    I take a look around me, see a bunch of people I have come to know, a bunch of people I’d like to know better, a whole bunch more I pretty much know better than I’d like to…
    I wouldn’t want to expect the same out of me.
    You get to know me then you can start to formulate some expectations. I might start crying at a Hershey’s chocolate commercial. I might fly off the handle, seriously lose control when I hear WalMart announce they’re going to start selling health insurance the same day they announce they’re discontinuing health care coverage for their indentured part-timers. I might have a sleepless night ’cause Frodo’s been farting more often than usual.
    When I start acting or behaving or speaking in a way you don’t expect me to, worry about me.
    When I start acting or behaving or speaking in a way you don’t expect anybody else to, worship me.

    I’d actually settle for just putting up with my crap and not giving me shit about it, okay?

What say you?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s