I had therapy tonight. My second session with Dr NewT. No, that’s not his name. He’s my “new therapist”. My “new t”. Dr NewT.
This is good. He remembered things we talked about last week. He was clearly doing homework to prepare for our session to keep a progressive direction going, which was a neat experience. It was good.
I started to get dysregulated before the appointment. We talked a little about it. I left feeling worse. Not because of anything negative about the appointment. Just I feel worse. Some of the things I was trying to explain to him he seemed a little stumped by. I often blog about feeling like there’s this poison in me, and that the talking in my brain isn’t the typical brain dialogue that we all have, there’s actually something in there. He said, “Tell me more about this “poison” that’s in you.” So I said, its like this little something that is in my brain that is set on killing me, and it’s always injecting poison into me, but sometimes it REALLY wants to get me and so it injects a lot of poison. But whatever the thing is, it wants me to die. I constantly have to fight it but its no use because I can’t get it out of me. I’m not sure if he understood it or not.
I wish people knew the self control I exert CONSTANTLY. If I let loose, I would have been messing up his nice office and screaming and pleading, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MEEEE!?” I just can’t rid of this feeling. I don’t know what it is. Just this feeling and I don’t know what it is to label it, but it’s not a good feeling 😦 I tried to explain that because he asked me how I was today and I had no idea how to answer I just started blabbing…”Uuuhhhhh, good? Or maybe just ok? Or no not really because I think I can feel something. I don’t know what it is though I just know I don’t like it. But I guess I’m ok. Did I say I was good? Or maybe I just said I was ok. I don’t remember what I said. I guess what I’m saying is I”m not good. Not at all. How are you?”
WTF. My boyfriend leaves tomorrow. I don’t know how I feel about that. Not like it matters how I feel about it. I’m not good. It’s got me. I can feel it. I just have to let it happen now. Inject your poison you demonic asshole infecting my fucking brain.
I’m tired. He said he’s going to help me with sleeping.
I have my appointment tomorrow for medication. I don’t know what to expect and like the predictable crazy that I am, I’m expecting and am prepared for the worst.
I just want to sleep. That’s all. Why can’t I just get one night of full sleep? 😦