I had my med appointment tonight with my doctor. I was so anxious. I got stuck in terrible traffic and was certain I’d never make it to my appointment and I’d have to reschedule and it’d just be awful. I made it on time to walk up to the counter to a sign saying, “If Dr. S is your doctor, he currently has a patient in labor. Please see the receptionist about your appointment.” So then I thought, “Oh sure! They will tell me I have to reschedule.” Well he was only going to be 20-30 minutes late and I was his first patient for the evening. Ok. Maybe LaborLady will have some freak issue and I’ll still have to reschedule.
He showed up and was in fact only 20 minutes late. That’s good. So I tried to tell him what was going on. He made me take these quick little quizzes and then he said he’s narrowing it down to something like bipolar and if that was what I was diagnosed with. I told him no but similar and he wanted to know the diagnosis so I told him, BPD. He said. “You need to see a psychiatrist. You know medication is not the cure for BPD, right? Right now you’re on a gigantic roller coaster. Medicine can take you off of that and put you on a kiddie coaster. It won’t make it go away but it may take some of the intensity away.” I told him I already knew that and that was all I needed. I’m in therapy and plan on continuing that, I just need at least a little relief in the meantime so I can stop feeling so crazy. So he said, “You really need to see a psychiatrist. BPD is very complex and its important to know for sure that you’re on the right path with the medication and therapy. I’m willing to work with you until you find one, but you need to go back to your therapist and ask him to refer you to one.”
He was nice I guess. Well not really nice, he just wasn’t entirely mean? I’m not sure. But I’m glad he’s at least willing to help for now. He said he’s open to adding more medications, like getting my klonopin back, but he needs to start with just one first and see how that goes, and then possibly add more if needed because he said right now I’m like a fire, and the medication could be like gasoline if he’s not careful.
Anyway I guess it was good. He prescribed Dapakote. I’m nervous. Side effects scare me but I’m trying to be positive. I had so many medication trials and fails so its’ hard to even imagine that this one might actually make me notice an improvement. I’m not sure what an improvement even looks or feels like! What does it feel like to be more normal? What would it be like to not be so intense? What’s it like!?