I had my med appointment tonight with my doctor. I was so anxious. I got stuck in terrible traffic and was certain I’d never make it to my appointment and I’d have to reschedule and it’d just be awful. I made it on time to walk up to the counter to a sign saying, “If Dr. S is your doctor, he currently has a patient in labor. Please see the receptionist about your appointment.” So then I thought, “Oh sure! They will tell me I have to reschedule.” Well he was only going to be 20-30 minutes late and I was his first patient for the evening. Ok. Maybe LaborLady will have some freak issue and I’ll still have to reschedule.

He showed up and was in fact only 20 minutes late. That’s good. So I tried to tell him what was going on. He made me take these quick little quizzes and then he said he’s narrowing it down to something like bipolar and if that was what I was diagnosed with. I told him no but similar and he wanted to know the diagnosis so I told him, BPD. He said. “You need to see a psychiatrist. You know medication is not the cure for BPD, right? Right now you’re on a gigantic roller coaster. Medicine can take you off of that and put you on a kiddie coaster. It won’t make it go away but it may take some of the intensity away.” I told him I already knew that and that was all I needed. I’m in therapy and plan on continuing that,  I just need at least a little relief in the meantime so I can stop feeling so crazy. So he said, “You really need to see a psychiatrist. BPD is very complex and its important to know for sure that you’re on the right path with the medication and therapy. I’m willing to work with you until you find one, but you need to go back to your therapist and ask him to refer you to one.”

He was nice I guess. Well not really nice, he just wasn’t entirely mean? I’m not sure. But I’m glad he’s at least willing to help for now. He said he’s open to adding more medications, like getting my klonopin back, but he needs to start with just one first and see how that goes, and then possibly add more if needed because he said right now I’m like a fire, and the medication could be like gasoline if he’s not careful.

Anyway I guess it was good. He prescribed Dapakote. I’m nervous. Side effects scare me but I’m trying to be positive. I had so many medication trials and fails so its’ hard to even imagine that this one might actually make me notice an improvement. I’m not sure what an improvement even looks or feels like! What does it feel like to be more normal? What would it be like to not be so intense? What’s it like!?


3 thoughts on “Depakote

  1. I’ve had medication and DBT and I (mostly) no longer feel things quite as intensely as I used to. I still have some times when I feel things very intensely but nowhere near what I once did. DBT helped me learn how to manage my emotions so that I don’t usually get to the point of having a meltdown or panic attack. At first, I thought something was wrong. It felt numb compared to what I was used to. That’s because we’re not used to not being in constant chaos. Feeling more “normal” definitely feels much better than feeling out of control.

  2. Sometimes the most comforting and encouraging answer you can get from a professional is “Beats the hell out of me”.

    The fact that he would seemingly feel more comfortable having you meet with a psychiatrist is cool. Sure, this doctor knows a bunch about medications and pharmaceuticals and the like, but if you were having intense, agonizing labor pains sometime early in your second trimester, think Freud or Jung would be able to handle it as well as an Ob/Gyn?

    And doctors, in general, have to maintain a certain detachment from their patients. It could be really, really counter-productive to get thoroughly wrapped up in everyone’s symptoms and behaviors. They can come off as cool or uncaring because chances are that they see hundreds of people each year in the exact same situation as the patient in the exam room at any given time.
    At my work, I used to get panic-stricken calls from people whose bank accounts were being seized. I knew from experience what they didn’t: if things were in order, I could get their funds freed up with a two-minute phone call and five minutes worth of paperwork. No biggie.
    It was just the first time THEY ever had to deal with it, and I suppose I could come off as being very nonchalant about their catastrophe.

    I’ve heard Depakote is for seizures.
    Yeah… and Benedryl is for, like, EVERYthing. Allergies, hives, insomnia, car sickness. You go get meds for any of those things and they could be nothing other than diphenhydramine, which is an antihistamine which treats allergies AND stops itching, makes people sleepy and gives you just enough of a buzz to keep you from throwing up in the backseat of someone’s SUV.
    The side effects have possible therapeutic uses.
    Liz was given a prescription for her mood swings that was the same exact medicine I was given for crippling back spasms.
    A psychiatrist will have more experience, more reference points, more familiarity with all the meds’ quirks.

    But you got a big step out of the way, kid.
    This is good.

    1. Yea. Depakote is an antiepileptic med. There’s a group of anti seizure meds that work also as mood stabilizers and this is one of them.

      Fingers crossed.

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